Now I have a machine gun. Blog, blog, blog.

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance…

On the clock.  Saturday afternoon rant.  Semi-speed version.  Let’s turn and burn.

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1. Greetings and salutations, people.  Thanks for coming aboard (the boat).  On the clock because I intended today to be a very unproductive day due to the 6 inches of snow outside, and I therefore intend on NOT blogging all day because of that.  Plus, I now have a Roland ten feet from me in my house and begs for my attention.  
2. I ask that everyone I know tomorrow to NOT have anything that needs my help or advice from the hours of noon and 2pm tomorrow. I will be sitting on my couch watching Louisville give Kentucky EVERYTHING they can handle, and predicting MORE than they can handle.  If UK wins decisively tomorrow, count me IN on the believers that this team could go undefeated.  
3. But he will have to guard like SEVEN of himself unfortunately…
4. They won’t though. I will be safe.
5. Heading to Vegas Wednesday. Probably going to lay down $20 on Oregon, UVA basketball, and the Steelers all taking the whole thing in their respected leagues.  Oregon won’t be great odds, but the Steelers are at 18-1, and the Cavs are at 12-1.
6. I peeked. Oregon is 7-4, meaning I should have put something down a LONG time ago.  
7. Not even on MY reread/ edit.  Lindsey noticed that OU is in it and OSU is out of it…and FSU is playing Bama and not Oregon.  This is the greatest misprint of all time.  It even says 2015.  This is like buying a 49ers Super Bowl jersey in the 2000’s.
8. I think that Josh Smith being a locker room problem, underperforming, and then getting to play for contender is STILL bullshit. Loophole-found, and I hate it.  
9. And he gets to play with his off court FRIEND in Dwight Howard (Snowball), who I hate even more.  
10. Lots of love always in my blog, especially during the holidays.
11. At least if Wisconsin football has no luck with its new coach, it knows it has 46 applicants ready to go, including several people claiming their resume strength is Madden and college football games (versions INCLUDED on application).  
12. Please don’t make weird faces reading this blog as I am teaming with the Milwaukee Bucks and their facial coding process.  
13. Scary to see a basketball player just plop down face first while collapsing. Thoughts and prayers to that San Diego State kid.
14. I have matured VERY slowly, but happy to report that I watched ZERO minutes of NBA basketball while having a Christmas Day with Lindsey’s family.  
15. And that includes missing a Hubie Brown announced game. Horrible, just horrible I did that.  What is WRONG with me?  I just can’t get enough of this capture.  I will MAKE reasons to put this in my blog.  Say it out LOUD.
16. Dammit.  It is off Google.  Probably because of me.  It said “They are big, they are long, and they will BANG you.”  
17. Only person who is more entertaining to listen to announce a basketball game in the OPPOSITE way?  Bill Walton.  Five Grateful Dead references per game minimally and lines such as “that is the best cross court pass by a left handed player from a high school west of the Mississippi I have ever seen!!!!!”  
18. If I believed in TIVO or got paid for watching sports, I might have TIVO’d that Hubie Brown game..
19. Basically, yesterday turned out pretty much standard. The Knicks suck, the Wizards play in the East and therefore play teams like the Knicks, the Lakers SHOULD be in the East, the Thunder are hard to guard when you unleash a Durant-less team with Westbrook, and the Clippers are dangerous.  Summary complete.  
20. I would like Tony Romo to throw 3 interceptions against the Skins this weekend and lose just so maybe there is one less HORRIBLE article/ thought of him being in the MVP mix.  
21. Harden had 44 this week for the Rockets, and it made me think that we have had a LOT less 40 plus scoring games this season.   I don’t have the exact stats nor the time to look it up.  I am just saying it FEELS like that.
22. I admit to TOTALLY skipping reading the article about Darryl Strawberry and the IRS. I need a very short synopsis on this topic.  
23. I think the Giants win this weekend to go out on a high note, and once again give the brass a positive spin on whether they will keep Coughlin or not.
24. (Hold on-I am imagining Ali throwing rights and lefts against his pneumonia ailment).  
25. I am surprised we are not seeing more Dockers commercials during this whole couple weeks of Harbaugh-49ers-Michigan coverage.  
26. Seinfeld fans get that.  That was funny.
27. Sad to hear Joe Cocker died. My resonating memory of him was 1994, with him opening the Woodstock 25^th Anniversary concert that I may or may not have been at.  I remember laying on the blanket, looking at the sky at the very beginning of the whole thing, with him playing “With a Little Help from my Friends.”  It was glorious.  
28. If the Arizona Cardinals fall off the radar in the playoffs, I get the feeling they will be signing a top name backup for next year who is already established. The league has like 12 of them floating around in lineups where no one knows who the hell the first string, second string, and third string are.
29. Yes, Skins, I am talking to you ALSO, but there are others.  
30. Deep thoughts by Jack Handy. How can anyone really get mad at third string QB’s who perform badly.  They are, after all, third string QB’s.  
31. Lone Survivor was a damn good movie. MUCH more serious and plot driven than I was expecting.  I love well done movies.  
32. Marky Mark.  You are still #3 on my man crush list.  Damon and Brady still have you.  
33. Anyone else find it odd that Marshawn Lynch gets fined for being shy and NOT talking to the media, but then gets fined THIS week for a vulgar obscene gesture ON the field???  
34. Ah, yes. The Broncos are playing at home this weekend, as it snowed last night, meaning the telecast can show snow and people from other places can think it snows here every day.
35. Actually, the snow just stopped, and given the two day buffer, odds are it will melt totally by game time.
36. I am skipping my NFL notes from last week. I forgot there was no mid week rant with the holiday.  It seems like so long ago.  Old news, and eliminates some things on my list.
37. If I am a Texans or Rams fan, I am VERY excited for next year though.
38. And I just was looking at my ceiling drifting off when I found out where Mr. Connor Shaw landed.
39. Forsett bought his offensive linemen TV’s, which is nice. Can’t most people in the NFL already afford a TV and probably already have one?  
40. If Mr. DeBoer ever gets RE hired by the Devils, maybe Brodeur will be making a comeback in 2021 for them again.  
41. I wasn’t there of course, but my bet is that Aldon Smith probably DID have some Fireball at McDonald’s house party.
42. As a bartender for 14 years, how the HELL did Fireball JUST get invented? So simple, so tasty, and I think I missed another umbrella in the drink chance.  
43. Cinnamon and freaking whiskey.  Simple.
44. Cocktail reference, people. Keep up with the shitty 80’s movies I reference.  
45. My thoughts today are with my best buddy, Scott. Shitty Christmas it sounds like, and I am always here to chat or visit, bro.  I would take a bullet for you.
46. I don’t use that cliché recklessly. I would literally put my body in between him and the gun.
47. I think CSU should be happy with their new hire, Coach Bobo. I can’t wait to see what they do with his name in bad times, he is a great SEC coach, and enjoy your two years with him before HE departs.
48. Departed II.  
49. I realize I am not that funny-I just don’t care.
50. I really like the words “concussed,” “tributary,” and “paradigm.”
51. Hey, Andy Dalton, your world will be wrecked Sunday night.  
52. Thanks to the NFL for making my boys the NIGHT game-it makes my life SO much easier, and that is important.
53. Thanks to Bill Simmons for saying that the best not so favorite, not so longshot, but best bet in the NFL to win it all is the Steelers.  Stay off the tube, but write ALL you want, genius.  
54. I guarantee you that Tom Brady would rather see Mr. Manning in Foxboro than the men in black and gold.
55. Hey, Darren Sproles wife, get off Instagram.  
56. Go to Michigan, Harbaugh. Trust me.  
57. Another day goes by for my cameos/ other roles/ Game of Thrones concept, Will.  Sorry.  
58. I would say that the ONLY reason I will be excited about the college basketball season ending will be that the new season of GOT is not far behind.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8cEctQZpnI
59. I guess one of the downfalls about having a really, really nice, NFL paid house in the hills is that when it lights on fire, it takes a while for anyone to call it in.
60. Stephen Colbert is one of the funniest people on this great earth.  
61. Is there a Vegas bet about whether a Chiefs wide receiver will catch a touchdown before the end of the season? With the lacerated spleen thing for Smith and new blood behind center, I am guessing the streak ends this week.  
62. Who is the back up?  Chase Daniel.  Mizzou.  I didn’t have to look that up, all.  
63. It is true that I just watched the ENTIRE Illinois-Louisiana Tech bowl game. I am lonely (Lindsey is at the hospital being a good friend) and therefore just watch whatever is on ESPN.
64. I learned today that LA Tech is ranked first in most turnover related defensive rankings.   I didn’t know that.  45 interceptions is a LOT.
65. BUT, just for the record, there WAS a hold on that pick 6. Just saying.  Dudek is a stud and was held.  
66. People in Denver are more likely to know someone who just broke their femur skiing. Shout out, Jacob.  Get better.
67. I saw a commercial saying 1 in 3 people get Shingles. As soon as I figure out WHAT that is, I will do the math.  Shingles?  No, I won’t post pics.
68. I am hearing that Unbroken is as advertised and an awesome movie.  
69. I don’t know why, but just to create confusion, I hope the Bears and Cutler win this weekend.  
70. Just for fun.  Just Google “Cutler” and tell me if you get a bunch of pics of a huge body builder.
71. I don’t know why, but I JUST noticed that the back judge in the NFL has “BJ” on his jersey. That is funny to me.  
72. I don’t know why, but I JUST realized it is Fallon and JT on that iPhone commercial. Actually, to be transparent (my new line in play and at work oddly), Lindsey had to tell me this truth.
73. I am jealous of JT’s life just to be transparent.  #1 Damon #2 Brady #3 Walhberg #4 JT.  
74. That is one good looking dude.  Damon, watch OUT.
75. I don’t know why, and maybe it is because of holiday meals, but that cheese my mom sent me is alive and kicking in my fridge.   That is like an Easy Cheese canister lasting a whole weekend after a hungover grocery trip.
76. I don’t know why, but one of the most endearing qualities of Lindsey is how much she loves cartoon movies and Christmas movies.  One of my favorites.  
77. She bought me a travel chess set, and said we could play on our plane trip to Vegas so she could learn my favorite game. First of all, we are at home much more than on a plane, and she has never played me.  Second, it IS the greatest game ever.  Third, the only problem about not having any local friends is that I don’t have a chess partner-not exactly the type you meet at Uptown Tavern watching football when the Steelers aren’t on main TV.  Fourth, why do I want to play chess on the way to VEGAS?????  
78. Why can’t I ever turn the channel when Forrest Gump is on main TV randomly?  
79. Why do I want the Cowboys to fail miserably so much?
80. Why do people NOT think that Neil O’Donnell DIDN’T throw that interception in 1996 to Larry Brown on PURPOSE?  
81. Why did I hear about the fact that the authenticity of the Jordan $33k sneakers was questioned but DIDN’T hear about how that turned out?
82. Why does Iowa State basketball get so many transfers (Deonte Burton was latest-top recruit at one point and went to Marquette)?
83. Why don’t more people call Iowa State “Transfer U” like I do, or am I the first and should patent it?
84. Why don’t more people realize that the coach of Transfer U had the GREATEST basketball nickname…The Mayor?  
85. Why does Lindsey want me to watch my first minute in life of Entourage so much? Should I trade an episode with a movie I want her to watch each time???  
86. Why does Herb Sendek keep getting extended as a college basketball coach while failing, but got fired from a school where he did WELL?  
87. Why don’t more people read Deadspin?
88. Why didn’t anyone write a theme song as great as the Game of Thrones SOONER?  
89. Holy shit.  I am going to go learn that on the Roland to play it EVERY day for Lindsey, and I am sure she will LOVE it.
90. Why isn’t my Rant Squad misbehaving and do I need another lineup?
91. Enough of that “why stuff.”   My Way, by Frank Sinatra may be the greatest song of all time and describes I guess my good AND bad decisions in life.  
92. I don’t think that COY trophy is what Gary Patterson wanted. Just saying.  
93. JR Smith said this season is a “nightmare.”   How cute.  Coaches describe his continuous shooting when he is having an off night ALSO as a “nightmare.”  
94. Lindsey wanted to watch a Christmas movie on Christmas Eve. Being transparent to my readers, here was the list I gave her.  Die Hard, Rudolph, Scrooged, Frosty the Snowman, Charlie Brown Christmas, Trading Places, Elf, Grinch, Christmas Vacation, and Rikki Tiki Tavi (I was going for the cartoon thing at the end).  
95. The “this and that” episode of Seinfeld is top five for me and a classic.
96. My parents are on a cruise that stops by St. Thomas. You all BETTER go to Magen Bay.  On my summer trip in the Caribbean, I would say that was my third favorite stop.  The British Virgin beach trip and Trunk Bay would be the only ones that…”trump” that.  
97. Jimbo Fisher has a new extension, and assume he is patrolling seafood stores all through Florida looking for his next Squinston.
98. The accuser’s lawyer says the fix was in during the conduct hearing with Winston. I have just assumed that this whole time.  That is not news.  
99. Manziel has said this was a year of “growing up.” Words are great, kid.  I don’t believe you, although I DO respect your words on the mic.  You SOUND like you mean it.  I assume I will see you in Vegas, bro for NYE.  
100. The Nets have cooled on the D-Will trade to the Kings. Who would have thought that the need for Mason Plumlee would be the swing part of that decision?  
101. I get irritated about NFL contract stuff with players when we are entering the playoffs. Just wait a BIT, Jerry Jones.
102. Did ANYONE get ANY punishment for that Memphis-BYU brawl?
103. That is great. Raiola apologized.  Dude, you are the starting center and your team is going to Lambeau with everything on the line.  We don’t accept your apology.
104. Michael Sam, feeling left out of the headlines, has said that gay NFL players have reached out to him. Love you kid for what you did.  I don’t care about who is calling you these days.
105. Maybe I am different, but I personally found this entertaining. Brennan Clay.    http://deadspin.com/what-we-know-about-the-confusing-saga-of-brennan-clay-a-1674777019
106. Maybe I am different, but I personally found this entertaining. Arnold Palmer.  Ernie Els.  http://deadspin.com/does-arnold-palmer-know-ernie-els-is-ripping-off-his-dr-1674681545
107. Speaking of Vegas, I used to literally get goose bumps when the wheels were down at McCarron. Now that I sell to casinos, I would say that it is just “yay” excitement level.
108. But, Vegas is still cool, and Lindsey has agreed to let me stay at a NEW place for me once again. It is much harder to hit for the cycle in Vegas than in a baseball game.  
109. UNLV beat Arizona in basketball. I believe Arizona is a solid team with a stud freshman and experienced PG, but I still think they bow out in the Elite 8 come March.
110. And UVA moved up another spot most likely because of that loss.
111. I never thought I would say that a long term injury to Mr. Varejao would be important, but I am saying it now. Once again, luckily they play in the East.  
112. I concur, Mr. Te’o. Make them find another joke.  I had fun also with your fake girlfriend stuff admittedly and to be transparent (I just can’t stop using that word), but it has run its course.
113. Peyton Manning will play in 2015. Are him and my man crush, Tom Brady, just going to retire together?
114. Do you think that Geno Smith was talking to his mirror when he said he was part of the solution to the media?
115. Fun stuff, although I haven’t been questioned down on some of the more gray area things (and there ARE a couple of those-trust me), but here are 33 things that all men do (sent from Lindsey) that they may or may not admit. It is quite the read, gents.  You will smirk.  http://www.brobible.com/humor/article/33-things-every-man-done-least-never-admit/
116. Seriously, don’t skip it if you are a guy. Actually, or if you are a girl.  I assume it is more alarming for the ladies.
117. Since the pastor that baptized me again a couple years ago decided to get kicked out of the church by sleeping with half the congregation, and I have not been to church regularly since, I enjoy the church that Lindsey’s family goes to. I need a band.  I need a pastor off the beaten path.  Last year, Peter Hiett repelled down the side of the stage.  This year, he was St. Nick.  Interesting and entertaining.  I admire his style, love his sermons, but for the third year in a row, you went about EIGHT minutes too long, bro.  You had me at a point, and then I checked out.
118. Downtown Sanctuary is the church. Cerk, telling you too since you are around the corner and asked.
119. I think they did the B Side hits this year for Christmas. Some of my favorite Christmas songs get dissed.
120. By the way, in Joy to the World, the lyrics said that the floods and rocks were shouting something. How do they do THAT?  I just Googled the lyrics-I can’t find those lyrics.  I got punked I think on a religious level.
121. The 4pm service was convenient though.
122. And as far as “interesting,” I am interesting when the family takes us to New Saigon after the service, and I order a Corona, ask for a kid’s menu, get denied, order shrimp with FOUR ingredients listed, and I get a plate full of mass that I then ignore. Why can’t we just make it a law that every restaurant on the face of the earth HAS to serve mac and cheese?  
123. One of my presents was an ornament that says “you should read my blog.” You should.
124. Winding down. If you love college basketball, you know to watch UL-UK tomorrow.  If you HATE basketball in general, PLEASE watch it.  The energy level will be off the hook (no pun intended), they are rivals, you might be watching the best college basketball team of all time (I am of course rooting otherwise), and I hope this doesn’t end up like the #1 and #2 matchup back in the day between super team UNLV and Arkansas.  I don’t care if I am wrong, but I truly want to see the fear of losing in the eyes of the youngsters at UK.  Lindsey knows to leave me alone for those two hours tomorrow.  I am going to the symphony at night as the “makeup” for that.
125. Lindsey made me a mix CD for Christmas (which of course is the reason I commented on My Way by Sinatra-smart girl). Tech N9ne is my favorite hip rap style aside from Flo-rida.  Dirty stuff with new sound with old style grooves AND lyrics that make you fall off your couch.
126. If you made it this far, I will send you a 49ers 2015 NFC Playoff jersey of Aldon Smith.  
127. I have to go. The Roland is staring at me, wanting some love.  I will be glad to accommodate.  I made the joke last night to Lindsey.  We might not have pets and kids, but we have a Roland.  Eleanor (my Jeep) might be a little jealous, but the Roland is my baby.    I need to NAME this guy on the fly.  Ummmmm.  First stab at this.  Ummmm.  AI?  Because he likes to play?  The ANSWER?  Nah.  Got it.  “LOUIS.”  Because he is the Keymaster from Ghostbusters.  “KEYMASTER.”  Like it.  Coming, Louis.  
128. She probably won’t want me to name my keyboard, but that is neither here nor there.
129. And Louisville-Kentucky is a day away.   Accidental perfection.
130. “LOUIS.” ville.
131. That is it. Hope you enjoyed or are at least more informed.  Will I blog tomorrow?    Wrong closing AGAIN.  Here we go.  As one shepherd said to the other shepherd, I am going to get the flock out of here.  Peace.