Huh huh….huh huh huh…huh. Winger. Cornholio. Etc.
Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Afternoon rant. I already worked four hours this weekend. Let’s use this laptop for something FUN. Some written before Rory tees off, and the rest written during PGA Sunday. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for joining me. There will be rambling and there will be pics added. We are watching the living stuffed animal that is growing on me and we will probably end up taking, so all long term plans like Waterworld got postponed. This dog might save me some money, and no other parents will ever have to worry about me being responsible for an actual human being. That thought would be frightening for anyone.
2) My ESPN Mag arrived today. Besides the fact that I need to order another sports magazine to fill in the gaps between issues, it was the COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW. I noticed less irritating graphs in this issue thus far. Good job, ESPN Mag. I STILL don’t have projected lineups as I have requested, but at least there are not bar graphs I don’t understand. One interesting note about how bad the ACC is as a football conference. The Mag gives the percentage that the team will win versus its entire schedule. The Pac 12 is top heavy, so of course, the only 50 something percentage for Oregon was UCLA (hello, Bob). But there were some 70’s. Oklahoma? A couple 60 somethings and that is with a schedule that has only TWO projected top 25 teams on their schedule, and they both go to Norman. The 60’s are at TCU and at Texas Tech. Ok. Bama? They ALSO have a couple 50 and 60 somethings as they play in the freaking SEC. FSU? The lowest percentage to win against any team was EIGHTY EIGHT percent! That is atrocious. Nice also to see my Cavs listed at 98.4%, which is typically reserved for teams that have directional words surrounding their name.
3) I mean…and picture me throwing something…NAVY is ranked one slot higher than UVA. Come ON.
4) I like OU’s chances this year MUCH better if Green-Beckham and Mayfield are ruled eligible. One was the best recruit coming out of high school a couple years ago, and the other means they don’t have a true freshman and red shirt freshman as backups to Travis Knight. Not sold on Travis Knight.
5) I wrote that last hook because I just read it in the Mag. Forget football for today and sorry I started out with it. I have GOOSEBUMPS. Rory and a STACKED leaderboard tee off in less than an hour. This is going to be epic, and then I immediately get sad that there are no more Majors for the rest of the year.
6) See yesterday’s catch of the day for my predictions.
7) Yes, the Ryder Cup is ok, but come on. Majors are the shit.
8) I watched movies this weekend, having a quiet at home one since I travel the next two weeks for leisure AND work. It is going to be a logistical nightmare. Anyway, I asked my buddy, Scott, what he thought of Lone Survivor (we didn’t end up watching it), and he said it was a “solid B.” I asked him if that was good or bad. He referred to the standard collegiate grading scale. Not the best movie, but you wouldn’t ask for your money back either.
9) We still have to endure/ enjoy the parade, but we are now past the last guy Derek Jeter will pass on the hits list. No way he catches Tris Speaker, and not a bad thing for your legend to pass the slacker that is Honus Wagner. That is a joke obviously. Honus was a STUD.
10) Prepare for the retirement of Venus Williams. Just like I have thought for their entire careers that everything is scripted when they play against each other (I truly do since day one), but the fact that she won I think is just letting the older sister have the last say in careers where it is definitive the younger one was better.
11) …which I told everyone way before both hit the circuit. I don’t have a lot of friends, and unfortunately, I don’t think I have anyone who will chirp in that I DID preach that logic.
12) We have seven plants on our patio. I care take for them. I am going 6 for 7, unless it is the wrong time of year or something. Because I am not sure you can kill a plant more than this.
13) There is a great short article in ESPN Mag about Starter jackets. I still have my Steeler one. Crazy when names like DJ Jazzy Jeff are being talked about. http://espn.go.com/espn/story/_/id/11308395/starter-jackets-hold-nostalgic-appeal-espn-magazine
14) I am willing to bet that “Bernd Wiesberger” was top of the Google search list yesterday.
15) I am willing to bet that Tiger thinks he should have taken the rest of the year off too.
16) I am willing to bet that everyone else in our $5 work pool would like to be me and have Rory going into today.
17) I am willing to bet that the only person NOT jealous of me is Ross, who has Stenson AND Mickelson…and because he is Ross, and Ross wouldn’t be jealous of anyone.
18) I am willing to bet that this rant is shorter than we all expect as I need to focus on golf.
19) I am willing to bet BOTH parties appeal in the NCAA-O’Bannon court case. Why? Because the NCAA is mad it lost in ANY way, and because the O’Bannon side thinks it got SCREWED with capping the payments at $5k per year. Monumental, regardless. Told you O’Bannon would win…a LONG time ago.
20) Maybe it is too early, but Lindsey was at a bar that sold a Paul Walker shot, and I rolled off the couch when she told me what was in it. Car Bomb with a chaser of Fireball.
21) I think Greg Oden will be fine in prison for his recent charge on hitting his ex-girlfriend in the face. I mean…he already looked 45, so he will just blend in…as much as a 7’1” guy can blend in. He doesn’t look young is my point.
22) Or maybe he just wanted on my Rant Squad. I have consulted the panel, we will let you in on two offenses as opposed to three, and the next one has to be REALLY creative. I would brainstorm with Marcus Vick and Sebastian Janikowski.
23) The Cavs and Timberwolves agreed to terms for a trade. I could say a lot here. I will keep it short, and give you the keys to the city by linking you with the master writer of the NBA, Bill Simmons, who wrote an unbelievable article on whether Love is overrated, underrated, or as is. Before I give you that link, I will say the following things. Love breaks the rules. A center who nails three’s, grabs rebounds galore somehow still, will be a body inside to help LeBron on defense, but then spread the floor with his shooting on offense??? Are you freaking kidding me? Here is the link. This is hilarious, and you are shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t click on it. http://grantland.com/features/kevin-love-lebron-james-trade-minnesota-timberwolves/
24) Seriously, ok. Too long? Not enough time? Just read the middle part where he names the 26 classifications of a polarizing basketball player. Why 26?
25) That was just a SAMPLE. Alright. Can you schedule time to read it LATER then? Geez.
26) As much as I hate Johnny Manziel, LeBron James being in the same town as him is the BEST thing that could have happened to him. Think half mentor, half leash. James attending Browns practice last week and commanding ALL of the attention HAD to ping Johnny Football he has a long way to go.
27) Landon Donovan will retire after the season. It will be sad to see him go. Would have been SO much cooler if he would have gone to Brazil, maybe gotten us past Belgium with a penalty kick, got us a great match against Argentina, and THEN retired. It’s not like anyone from the US can really pull a “John Elway” playing against the world in soccer.
28) Kevin Durant withdraws from Team USA. Before we examine the basketball effect, let’s talk personal. You do what you need to do, Kevin. You are already the best player without a ring, so focus on that and we get that. It SOUNDS exhausting to do all of that stuff. No worries. From a basketball perspective, considering there is not another player like him, all the USA Team can do is to TRY and replace him. Maybe get a pure shooter with some size? None out there like Durant? Ok. Rudy Gay is a physical anomaly and is close enough. He is kind of weird though.
29) The Family Guy where Stewie talks about how bad of an actor Matthew McConaughey is was on the other day. It still is funny, and somewhat true in some respects, but I think we need to classify Family Guy as “pre-True Detective” and “post-True Detective.”
30) NCAA: Big 5 can write their own rules. That is paraphrased, but pretty much what the ruling is. If I had 28 hours in a day, I would go to town on this. But I don’t. Keep on movin’.
31) I got the message, Bryce. I start trashing your stats and say I might disown my closing statement from you, and Matt Williams has to fight off the media about sending you down, and WHAT happens? You respond by hitting a walkoff HR. Noted. Mike Trout is still kicking your ass, by the way.
32) Who else knew that Robert DeNiro had a KILLER five minute segment in American Hustle? I sure as hell didn’t. I would have gone to the theater had I known. Anyway. He did. It was awesome and I fell off the couch. I still want to just post a chick pic.
33) My patio happy neighbors even ate BREAKFAST on the patio today. Geez. I need MY patio time without small talk. “How is your week?” “Good.” “Plants look great except for the dead one.” “Thanks.”
34) I think the only more random commercial in the last year outside of the Rob Lowe Shark Week ones http://insidetv.ew.com/2014/07/28/rob-lowe-shark-week-promo/ is the Gary Busey one for Amazon Fire. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHoNQrxG_8M
35) I feel like Raymond Felton already was suspended four games. I feel like this is déjà vu. Whatever. When a guy thinks he is elite and he is not, I don’t really care.
36) I wasn’t overly familiar with who Roberto Hernandez is, but I am pretty sure the Phillies needed him in some respect.
37) HERE. WE. GO. Tulo is “tired of losing.” I feel for him and question many of the Rockies’ moves, but wasn’t he tired of losing BEFORE he signed that ridiculous contract? If he is moved at some point, the balance of power shifts. Just like when Holliday went to the Cardinals years ago. He is better though.
38) I don’t know if I have made ONE Matt Holliday reference since…like the day he went to the Cards.
39) It is VERY hard to turn off the movie Armageddon either during the recruiting process but more so in the last 35 minutes. Very hard. I didn’t succeed the other night.
40) I never noticed this line before. Or at least I never made fun of it. “Sir, the override. It’s been overridden.” That is funny.
41) I hear all of these things about other great shows on TV. I am sticking with Drunk History being the best show on TV. Bring your arguments. You will lose.
42) The Houston Texans owner says that when considering Manziel, he chose “fit over frenzy.” Dude. Just tell us you hate him like I do. It’s ok. I give hugs too. I am lovable.
43) Did someone tell Chris Rainey that WHEN you get within 40% of your forecasted potential in the NFL, THEN you can tweet stuff during the game about how others were wrong? Glad the Steelers got rid of him.
44) I go to Nashville for a wedding for Lindsey’s friend next week. Love that town and almost accepted the Vanderbuilt offer I got. I can’t wait to go to the mecca of a lot of country stars, The Bluebird Café. You feel the history in that place.
45) True. I don’t like country music, but I GET it, I like Charlie Daniels, Garth Brooks, and like 10 songs. I am not BLIND. I went to UVA. I had fraternity brothers who shot skeet on the weekends. Country music was played. I respect it.
46) The Cavs and Heat will reportedly play a preseason game in Brazil. Might not be optimal for everyone, but it will be a party for one of LeBron’s all time teammates, Anderson Varejao.
47) If I happen to NOT make it to the gym after work or have more work to do, it is nice that the local station has Seinfeld from 430-SIX nowadays.
48) Six? Six is good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYt5RLBydWw
49) If you are not reading Mr. Royal’s blogs because maybe you know me, you are totally missing out. I can’t wait to visit Savannah someday and have a lot of beers with my co-blogger. He is less distracted and knows his shit.
50) Rankings of who I like to talk sports with. Ben, Jake, and Scott (I even get over his homer-ness on being a DC guy). Gabe, of course, you will be #1 once I meet you. Logan, we haven’t had enough conversations to rank you. Think of it like you are a pitcher with not enough starts to qualify.
51) The Marlins aren’t sure if they can re-sign Giancarlo Stanton. All twelve people who attend the games are worried.
52) It is cool that USA Team basketball has promised Paul George a spot on the team when he recovers, but it also shows our lack of small forwards.
53) Goosebumps. Rory tees off in an hour. Let’s keep this moving. I need to FOCUS. Another Valhalla photo.
54) I am stuck on Twitter followers. I range from 483-491 on any given day. 500 is tougher than I thought.
55) My neighbors have finished breakfast and are just sitting on the patio. I think I found my dogwatchers when I am gone. They are old and safe. I probably shouldn’t tell them about my blog.
56) Richie Incognito still wants to play NFL football. We all don’t want him to and hopes he will just continue to run around bars with his shirt off.
57) Lindsey got her car washed yesterday, which I never do. I was overwhelmed by the level of motivation and number of workers at that place in Lakewood. What are they paying those people?
58) Hello, Debbie (Lindsey’s mom). You rock.
59) Kenny Perry and Jerry Kelly might win me another $50 for their round today. Low round. I will take $400. I won’t complain.
60) Michael Sam had a “solid debut” with one tackle and one QB hit. I love his story, but that doesn’t sound like a solid debut to me. Just being honest.
61) A Steeler fan who was our server asked me where I was watching the Steelers game yesterday. I said “what game?” Listen. I don’t like other Steelers fans and sure as hell don’t consider a preseason game a “game.”
62) It is very confusing trying to explain to someone how diehard Steelers I am when wearing a Steelers hat, wearing a Phillies T-Shirt, and telling them I am from outside Philly.
63) Blake Bortles had a solid preseason “game” yesterday. You would too if you went home to what he goes home to.
64) I think that I could try to invite all of my friends to my place to watch football. I think I might have two people no show and no one show up.
65) David Stern made a golden age of NBA basketball. I still don’t care to watch his HOF speech. He wouldn’t have offered Mr. Austin a job.
Nice watch.
66) I chuckle out loud when I hear LeBron James referred to as GM LeBron James. It is true and very funny.
67) I think this was to shield Tony Romo from rumors that he sucks. Head NFL ref stumbling off the Cowboys party bus. You can’t WRITE this stuff.
68) Will I cover Tony Stewart today? Damn right I will. Read my tweet if you can’t wait.
69) I think the only punishment more intriguing than the Josh Gordon one is what Aldon Smith will get.
70) If you own a Wiggins Cavs jersey, stores will refund you. Fact. If you own a Wiggins Cavs jersey, you obviously either A) wanted the not factual money for an old jersey or B) don’t read ESPN. We all knew he wasn’t staying.
71) Listen, I have a lot more to cover. Just freaking read Deadspin. It would save me a LOT of time on this thing. Schedule 5 minutes daily.
72) Gay bar happy hours are simply the best.
73) On Twitter, I hit a link by accident (maybe) that listed the most expensive escorts in the world. Some chick makes $16k per night. That is a lot of money. What deserves $16k when you might even have a subpar night? I would need an agenda or something. That is ridiculous. I think posting a picture belabors the point. Just Google it.
74) I thought the croquet burger was the best at Park and Co., but now think the Scarponne is the best. Order it. It is no Justice Snow’s, but damn close.
75) I heard Warren G and then Dr. Dre back to back while at Park and Co. Maybe I should have networked and found out who played it. Might have found a new best friend. Those two guys are the shit.
And I can play spades like the best of them.
76) I think the dog understands I am blogging. Just lays down and is fine with me ignoring him. He sleeps a lot anyway. It is not like Guiness would go out and catch a Frisbee, so I don’t feel guilty.
77) Firing CSU’s AD Jack Graham is absurd I personally think. He was the ONE guy who wanted them to be big time. Big hires. Up and coming recruiting. He must have slept with someone’s daughter. Otherwise, he was doing nothing wrong. Bad move.
78) Are 50’s and 60’s haircuts coming back? My bartender from the other night seemed hip and cool, but I thought we were in the middle of Back to the Future.
79) The fact that my fiancée gets to go to San Diego, the best city on earth, before me for work…is nauseating.
80) I said the word “fiancée,” meaning: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghCTZF61ey0
81) Is anyone else surprised that Manziel’s debut was less than ordinary?
82) Is anyone else surprised that his debut didn’t make Twitter blow up?
83) Thanks for sending Modern Seinfeld along, Katrina. This was my favorite of this batch. By the way, as my ex-boss, you can just CALL me also.
84) I took Eleanor into the shop again this weekend. First of all, I want to get to 250,000 miles, so no new car yet. Second, I have decided I might get an Audi next, but don’t have the cash yet. Third, here is something to make your day. Ever since my Jeep broke down in FRONT of my present mechanic’s place, I go there obviously. Conversation that will give you hope. “Your total is $163.00.” “Ok. Well, call me if anything major comes about-otherwise just fix whatever you find.” Final bill today? $163. That is incredible.
85) Rules of Engagement is seriously one of the best shows ever. Not on the Seinfeld tier, not on the Drunk History secondary tier, but with Family Guy on the 2a tier.
86) My feet have always smelled. In the last few weeks, it has gotten MUCH worse. Why is that? How is that possible? Is there a feet smelling disease? Well, I have it, and lucky that Lindsey just sits across the room and comments on how she can smell them from THERE. Hell, I even admit they are bothering ME.
87) Linval Joseph was shot in the calf by a stray bullet at a club the other night. He will be practicing next week again, as the nose tackle’s calf is so huge it didn’t matter. Nice to know he wasn’t doing anything bad.
88) Ernie Els is having a pretty dirty round thus far. He has been there, and is at minus 9. Put him officially IN the mix.
The Big Easy:
89) Ok. Gotta finish fast. The leaders are getting ready to tee off.
90) Ray Allen says he will play next season. I thought this was already a solid, no matter what he said. I think the question was actually A) will you take more money than you would with your He Got Game attitude? B) can we assume you will play with LeBron and C) would anyone but GM James pay you much?
91) Ok. I had TWO movie nights. We watched Gravity last night, despite my hatred of Sandra Bullock. I admit it was pretty damn good, and I admit that I wish I would A) have a larger home TV for the effects or B) gone to see it in a theater.
92) My colleague, Bryan, who sits behind me at work, was on an 11 man team that ran from Breck to Aspen. I feel very inadequate this weekend. Can I use the excuse that I was watching a dog? That I travel a lot in the next few weeks? That I hate the fact you got to run through Glenwood Canyon (that would be a lie of course)? Anyway, props, Bryan. I officially made this the fourth consecutive summer that I COULD have run a triathlon…but didn’t.
93) Go to The Square Grouper in Aspen. Or read my last Monday blog for ALL information about Aspen.
94) I finally learned how (for the second time evidently per Lindsey) to copy and paste a text on my smart phone. I am slow. I know.
95) Gumbo’s on 17th Street in Uptown Denver is a magical happy hour financially AND food wise that you would never expect from the fancy environment. This is not my first time saying that. Pay attention. $3 gumbo. $3 IPA. $3 wells. $3 shrimp slider. $3 lots of other stuff.
96) Wait. There is a Magnum condom AND candy bar? There HAS to be a joke in there somewhere. You do it.
97) Summer is running out. I might miss Waterworld, my favorite place on earth, for the first time since 1997. Not happy.
98) I made Lindsey watch Beavis and Butthead last night. Not sure if she thought it was funny or the fact that I found it SO funny that it made me more or less cute/ adorable/ less marriable.
99) Ok. Tony Stewart. Go to ESPN for coverage by people who get paid to write articles on that stuff who don’t work 65 hours a week. I will state my case succinctly. I watched the video. Kevin should not have been that far out, but it LOOKED like there was a last minute swerve towards him. I think Tony might have lashed out, but obviously not meaning to kill him. It is what it is. MY problem is this. I rolled over finding out Tony planned on racing. THEN, he decided to NOT race, and it was supposed to be all honorary or something. Tony, you should have consulted with your media experts earlier. The fact that you changed your mind indicates to me A) you might have done it B) you are doing a script C) you don’t get it. I think I just went from a fan to not a fan because of this. Your anger/ fire was cool before this incident.
100) Leaders about to tee off. I hope you enjoy this finale as much as I will.
101) Even though it was 2013 SNL, I enjoyed the Ed Norton episode last night. He is so bad ass. On my man crush list. Maybe #5 or so. Rounders is the best movie that punks haven’t seen. Ever.
102) You probably won’t though. People are at parks and pools and wondering how sitting on my couch watching golf is better. I beg to differ.
103) If you made it this far, 102 hooks, then email me your color preference. I will send you a nightlight that puts “FILLERBUSTER” on your living room ceiling. It is quite fancy. Colors are gold and orange (black won’t work at night, and orange is UVA colors).
104) That is it. Hope you enjoyed or are at least more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.
105) NOT blogging tomorrow, folks. Too much work to do still, with a travel day on Tuesday. Basically, I will post a rant Tuesday night after venting on the airplane ride to OKC. Maybe Gabe will throw me an NFL preview.