I am being honest. It is not as bad as you think. Go watch it. Endorsed as long as you are not expecting Oscar merited stuff.
Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
NOT on the clock. Day rant. Not a speed version. I have nowhere to go. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for joining me. Logan, just stop reading right now if you are expecting no pics. Ahhh. The Sunday rant. My loyal readers know that this is my favorite blog day of the week, and whether the blog ends up better or worse, it sure is fun. And if it isn’t fun for you reading it, go write your own blog.
2) First of all, happy Mother’s Day to my mom. I was most likely to succeed in high school thanks to her upbringing as a kid, I failed miserably in doing anything after that, but the reason I help old people, haven’t even stolen a stick of Chapstick in my life, treat my lady right, do the right thing in questionable circumstances, and basically stay genuine is because of my mom. I love you, mom. Thank you for everything. Giving a kid piano, swimming, and tennis lessons as school teachers couldn’t have been great for the budget. Thanks, mom. You were and are incredible.
3) All of you know I am a firm supporter of gay relationships. All of you know that I also state what is on my mind. I loved the Michael Sam reaction, think he went WAY too late in the draft considering he was SEC defensive player of the year, and am just surprised his boyfriend was…so small.
4) Don Jones. Jeers. Either accept gays and vocalize it, don’t accept them and be quiet, or just stay or Twitter.
5) Lindsey, by changing my photo (nice little billiards photo), I am not “going on Facebook.” I am merely keeping everyone on their toes and not talking about what the weather is, about me doing laundry, or some random thing I noticed that day. Not a proactive status. My streak is intact. I made up this game and say that changing my picture is still not being “on FB.”
6) By the way, Wingnut/ Andy, much love. Andy and I had the Tour de Littleton. Bad idea that I am pretty sure was mine. Why don’t we schedule a night of the week where we stop by every bar in the area, do a shot and beer, and play one bar game. I am sure nothing can go wrong in that scenario. I was an idiot.
6a) I kind of still am.
7) I noticed Danica was 7th this week in racing. Why did I notice? Because I care about auto racing. Well, not exactly. I noticed because I root for her for some reason and it caught my eye she was actually in the top 10. Damn, girl. If you actually start DOING something, you will fill my Sunday morning sports gap.
8) I can feel it. Can you? Well, there is something wrong with you then. One month give or take a day from the World Cup. Not a club guy, a country guy, still know the game very well (going to a UVA soccer game in the early 90’s was the SHIT), and I go NUTS during that thing. When I was bartending full time back in the day, and the World Cup was across the ocean, some of the best parties thrown in my neighborhood were my 5am World Cup parties. Those were legendary. I won’t even use the “excuse to have a party” deal. I LOVE the World Cup. Lindsey has survived a couple March Madness tourneys. Cross your fingers she still loves me after the World Cup. PUMPED.
9) Cerk, I am VERY jealous of you gallivanting around Australia right now. Just letting you know. Please bring back a Crocodile Dundee joke or story.
10) I am vice president of the “I hate Johnny Manziel and hope he fails” Club. I kill two birds with one stone by LeBron James wearing his jersey a day after the draft.
11) With all of this NBA, NFL, and NHL stuff going on, let’s not forget the Players Championship is going on. Even if you hate golf, turn on the tube late afternoon. The 17th is one of the most fun holes to watch in the world.
11a) And the snapper turtle watch. During editing, he did his yearly dive. Gorgeous.
12) The fact that AJ McCarron went 164th disgusts me. Literally. Truly. Toughest conference, two national championships, and I don’t care what the combine told you, he is a winner. I think this is also an excuse to show his WAG.
13) By the way, I think Aaron Murray is also a steal. Not the best arm, but that kid is a leader, also playing in the SEC, and is accurate as heck. Sleeper and you read it here. Injury dropped him.
14) I have never been to the bar seen in Portland. I HAVE been to the bar scene in San Antonio. All that being said, I assume the Blazers are drinking every night. They look unprepared, and not ready for playoff basketball. Someone pinch those guys and tell them this is an EVEN year and that San Antonio is NOT going to win it this year.
15) On the record with OKC, people. They are waking up despite what amazing comeback the Clippers did today. No one said this would be easy. And you people (Ponto) who make fun of Durant’s MVP speech, I don’t like you. There is never too much crying if you are sincere. Watch Turner and Hooch with me and come to that conclusion very quickly. I think Lindsey is with me DESPITE of my tears during that damn flick. Babies don’t erase losing Hooch. Sorry.
15a) That is Hooch. You can’t coach that photo. Here is a cute one.
16) I have “383” on my blog list. I have no idea what it means. I Googled it to no avail. No one hit their 383rd home run, no one got in a wreck on lap 383, and no one had 383 saves last night. My blog list sometimes is confusing.
17) I can’t be alone. I am OVER the whole FRAMILY thing. I didn’t get it from the beginning, I didn’t like it once I got it, and I want to throw something at the TV when it comes on now.
18) It is not Christmas, but can someone send me a Mirza Teletovic jersey? Do they even make them? I was by myself last night watching basketball and so pumped about his little gig last night. I shouldn’t have to tell you what I am talking about. Once again, you are reading the wrong blog if you don’t know.
19) Lindsey and I don’t have kids, don’t have a dog (yet), and admittedly went to Jazzfest the week before so our refrigerator was empty, but still…spending $400 at the grocery store without buying anything dumb is just stupid. I eat a LOT. The grocery store people though we were insane.
20) Lindsey says Penny Dreadful will replace Dexter as our new show. I am writing this in the morning and there is blood splattering everywhere. Firstly, this show is weird and I personally liked the personality of Dexter better. Second, between Snapped and this “new” show, if I die, you know what happened to me, ok?
21) Want to see me as a kid or see how facey my Dad was? My mom just sent my diploma since they are selling their house and this photo has quickly become a hit.
22) This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen in a guy’s bathroom. If you are going to write something, write something good. This would be in a girlfriend’s restroom, correct?
23) Wow. They have to say “groin,” but Ibaka just punched Griffin in the nuts. Ouch.
24) Drew (Lindsey’s brother), we need to go out and hack up a golf course. No idea of why I just don’t text you, but I guess I always say to people who ask “how’s it going?” and then I say “read my blog.” I am not very well liked. I get that.
25) Lindsey is watching New Girl. Which I nominate as the most girl show that is still cool for dudes to watch. I just found out for the third week in a row that the dude and Jess broke up. This apprently has been going on for a while. I am so glad I didn’t become a detective. I have three fears. Bees/ hornets, fighting an intruder naked, and having something tragic happen in front of me and me not even knowing the color of the murderer’s shirt. Maybe pets. I might pay attention to animals more.
26) Locals. The Beast and Bottle is the bomb. I had the benedict today and only debate whether that just made my all time top 5. I am 41. It was incredible.
27) OK. I only cry three times in a day if I watch Old Yeller, Turner and Hooch, and Eight Below consecutively. I cried three times today. Jim Gaffigan. Get “Obsessed.” Victoria Secret. Crab and oysters. Bartenders. Do it. Here is a start.
28) Lindsey made a mistake last week on her day off. She made me sandwiches. Now, I can’t make my own sandwiches. Cream cheese. Hot sauce. Salad dressing. Can’t wait to yearn for a turkey sandwich tomorrow. Mine just suck now. She likes to cook for me, but I eat boring stuff at work. Therefore, we now have something where she can interject some life into. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnqBAuehmhM
29) I like to get the daily news too. Go back and click on that last link in case you think I don’t think you clicked on it. Dammit. DO it. You will be better for it.
30) People’s mothers are on Facebook? Is that a trend? Luckily, I am on Twitter. Facebook sucks. You are in my inner circle if you know about my 500 Twitter follower party. 383. THAT is what that earlier hook was! YES. If you like corn hole, you need to come.
31) I still think that Morpheus and the Kia commercial and those DOPE sunglasses are awesome. I just realized that I don’t wear sunglasses. I refuse to wear a baseball hat and sunglasses. Too much going on. But, if I DID, I would wear THOSE sunglasses.
32) Speaking of sunglasses, you are welcome, Jesse. That homeless guy saved you $80.
(guy from our bike pedaling tour yesterday who almost lost his expensive sunglasses)
(I refuse to buy expensive sunglasses-I would be too scared to lose them)
(dammit-once again-I don’t wear sunglasses although I think my new look might be no hat and aviators-let’s bring back Top Gun dammit-Lindsey would at least appreciate the no backwards hat look)
33) Yes, the bike-bar thing was fun, although I think I was doing most of the work on my car. My quads aren’t SORE because I am strong, but I think there were some slackers. The Jamo helped.
34) Lindsey’s mimosa’s at brunch didn’t help her cause. It DID allow me to watch both basketball games with no interruptions though.
35) I am excited to taste my gangsta pasta salad I make with “chipotle cheddar” sauce tomorrow. I also bought a block of Havarti while I was out. I am glad I have a fast metabolism, but I am really testing it with having cheese in house. I never thought I would be a pasta salad guy, but mine is DIRTY. Well, actually, GANGSTA. I could tell you what is in it, but then I would have to kill you.
36) In case you live in a bubble, Godzilla comes out next Friday. Pumped, and expect more pics and hints. Godzilla kicks ASS (sorry, mom).
37) In case you live in a bubble, Tracy McGrady didn’t fare so well in his first start.
38) In case you live in a bubble, the Ducks tied up the series amazingly. Kings will win and lose to Blackhawks. Book it.
39) In case you live in a bubble, the Warriors might bring out SVG out of retirement.
40) In case you live in a bubble, you should either know who SVG is or not read my blog. Go read a religious or political blog or something.
41) In case you live in a bubble, the Bruins tied up the Habs in their series, meaning the Bruins will now take care of business and play the Pens in the conference finals, and then face the Hawks in the Stanley Cup Finals.
42) In case you live in a bubble, when I get going on a theme, I try to ride it out before I run out of steam on the theme. And THIS is a bubble theme. Boom. Excuse to show the Moops scene because I mentioned “bubble boy.”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia02fGpUQfU
43) In case you live in a bubble, Dan, I will get to baseball once all this NHL and NBA stuff is done. Promise. I do love baseball, and can counter ANYONE who doesn’t work full time for ESPN with baseball stats. Bring it. Stump the Filler. I tried to get on this show. I think they banned me from my Dream Job experience, where I placed top 4 out of 700 people in Denver after stopping by ESPN ZONE aimlessly rambling around 16th Street Mall, missed ONE question, got mad, and may or may not have gotten asked to leave the set. I will never tell anyone what question I missed, but it makes me feel better that the other three guys on the set also did NOT make Dream Job. Security was involved, but I left without needing them. Promise. I was good. I cussed a little.
44) In case you live in a bubble, I don’t want LeBron to win anything else, but I respect that he shuts down his Twitter account before the playoffs. As a Twitter addict who is not the best basketball player in the world, I respect that. I just wrote that last hook and kind of got mad at myself for cussing and getting asked to leave. Missed opp. I was SO close after two days of sports questions, and was told that my scores on the stat questions were off the charts.
45) When exactly did Golden Tee get phased out of bars, and is it because I gamble on it and am one of the best ever? I would like to thank Andy/ Wingnut for teaching me. Won lots of money on that game. I dare anyone to ever venture into trying to beat me at it even though I am rusty. Let’s do a dumb date for you and do glam rock trivia, Golden Tee, poker, and play a game of horse at the end of the day if you feel confident.
46) I just realized I forgot the bubble thing on that last hook. Damn. Streak done.
47) My nuts (sorry, mom) still hurt from that Ibaka hit on Griffin. I still remember my first basketball groin injury. Robert Kelly bit my pump fake when I was in 9th grade and the girl with the locker next to me thought it was weird I was passing out while opening my locker. You have your pregnancy, ladies. I get it. The pain of getting hit there is a brief pain that you have no idea about.
48) Man City won EPL. World Cup in a month. I am country, not club. Lindsey is getting concerned, as I have warned her I go apeshit (one word or two?) during World Cup games. Let’s put it this way. The Steelers are the most focused I can be in life during a game. I would say that is 25% what I am during a U.S. World Cup soccer match.
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49) For those of you who know me, you might have already rolled off your seat. It is true. Maybe it is .45. That is more realistic.
50) I could break down the entire NFL draft. That is why we have ESPN.com. Those are guys who don’t have another job that takes 65 hours of their time. You are not reading this for updates. You are reading this because…wait…I am not sure why you are reading this.
51) I have never been to the base floor at Blake Street Tavern. Fun place. I am confused how I missed doing the pedaling thing AND that floor of Blake.
52) The Chiefs picking up Thomas is a GREAT pickup. Charles needs some rest, and that guy is the solution. Maybe I am just glad someone drafted a RB.
53) I don’t know her, and I think the Sterling thing will drag on FOREVER, but I think that taking the team away from his wife is wrong if she wants to keep it.
54) Just to make sure we don’t jump to premature conclusions on Manziel making money in the NFL, I would just like to make you aware that the NIGHT he got selected, Manziel bought 122 people their beer at his favorite bar in College Station. Listen, I am not saying that is a bad thing, but I am just saying things aren’t changing. I hope he hangs out with Marcus Vick and I want him on the Rant Squad as SOON as possible. He will be president as fast as you can say “double down,” which I still have not gotten at KFC again this weekend. Dammit.
55) I missed on BOTH NBA games last night. As a consultant, luckily, I told my people I wouldn’t take either game unless a gun was put to my head. That being said, I think the Blazers are HUGE drinkers and think they already won something after beating Houston, and that if 3’s are not going in for the Nets, it isn’t happening. How to beat LeBron. Make a RIDICULOUS amount of 3’s.
56) I have been engaged for one week, and I STILL don’t think I will stop saying the dingo comment for the duration of our engagement.
57) What? Not in the loop? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYTIGXvc88Y
58) It is true that Lindsey and I bought bagel bites a couple weeks ago on a whim at 7-11. It is also true that we ate them last night.
58a) I can’t blame her. I BOUGHT THE BAGEL BITES. DAMMIT.
59) It is also true that 2 Guns is a surprisingly good movie. I went in expecting the worst, which MIGHT be why I thought it was decent, but I will say this. It is NOT a waste of money. Go watch it. Not NOW, but put it on your list. I enjoyed it.
60) It is also true that we live in the day and age that the above is a COMPLIMENT.
61) I feel on top of the world today. Why? Everyone has a “list.” I know MY list. I know that the dude from True Blood is #1 on Lindsey’s list. We were watching 2 Guns last night and apparently Lindsey thought that I looked like James Marsden, who is on her list. Mull that over. Your girl has a list, and you LOOK like someone on the list. That makes me happy.
62) The Fugitive and Delta Force are on after the Snapped marathon, which I am letting roll during NBA as it keeps our relationship healthy AND I know the Pacers play tonight when she is gone. If you have not seen those two movies, stop EVERYTHING and go watch them. I will wait.
63) Waiting.
64) Waiting.
65) Ok. At least START with The Fugitive and then put it on your to do list for Delta Force later.
66) We good? Let’s roll.
67) In is true and amazing that the first RB was chosen at 54th in the NFL draft. You wrecked everything, New Orleans offense and Ki-Jana Carter.
68) I won’t rewrite it. My Manziel-Josh Gordon tweet was brilliant. I should have 5000 followers just because of that tweet. See upper right to see the tweet. I LOVE saying something in less than 140 characters. Pansy Facebook ranters.
69) Where were YOU in 1937? Why do I ask this? First draft since then that NO Texas players were drafted. Tell your friends. I am not even a hater. I just am a person who thinks that outside of Wonderlic expert Vince Young single handedly winning the 2005 championship, they would have a HELL of a winless streak going on down there.
70) I love reading Men’s magazines. I hate reading men’s magazine’s who show stuff that we should all own. Thanks, this month, Men’s Journal. Gadgets that I was drooling over wanting. Should never have opened the mag.
71) I am happy for Stevie Johnson. I am actually happy for anyone leaving Buffalo.
72) I have never seen three top flight players from a top 5 team get dismissed for sexual assault that was SO under the radar. Oregon.
73) The Sacramento Kings are asking for fan help for this year’s draft. I was going to say a BUNCH on this, but realized I already tweeted it, have something saved, and if you know anything about basketball, you already GET the joke. They need all the help they can get.
74) Email me if you fully understand what is going on with the James Blake situation. By the way, sorry for the loss, James. Sorry, since your story has been out for two days and since I have fought off showing your ex for that time, I have to show a photo of one of the photos of when your WAG was #1 ranked in the world by Maxim back in the day.
75) I have a feeling that the block of Havarti cheese doesn’t stand a chance in a bit.
76) I had a hook here but it sucked I decided during editing. Deleted.
77) Mr. Royal just texted me about Spieth. He is great. I promise to not post any blog about how he watched this OKC game, because evidently he is not watching it.
78) Kevin Durant is really, really good.
79) Are the Wizards able to make free throws? They are horrible at the stripe.
80) Think about this. Twitter is about EVERYTHING. 5.2% of all tweets from 8pm to 10pm Thursday had #manziel in them. That is amazing.
81) I started eating the Havarti.
82) Greg Oden is aware he is a bust. The moment he tells us he also is aware how old he looks I will be sold.
83) I think per Mr. Royal I am supposed to do something with this and Roy Hibbert, but I forget where we were going with it. Dammit.
84) Locals. Marcyyk. Go in there for a free wine tasting on Friday or just with a buzz any time to get quality ANYTHING. Amazing store.
85) Locals. Sliceworks. Colfax. Potato pizza. Stop reading this crap and go there now.
86) Ask for Joe, the bartender. My only problem with that place is that I ended up watching baseball on Friday when NHL, NBA, and NFL was going on.
87) I had an award winning photo from Sliceworks, but it had a ghetto Capitol Market sign in the way. Sorry.
88) What a 24 hour period for Browns fans. Top flight CB, Manziel, happiness, and then Josh Gordon gets suspended. I thought I had enough jokes on you as a Steelers fan, but thanks for the surplus.
89) I really, really miss my Sundays with True Detective.
90) Dr. Dre might become the first hip hop billionaire if he sells Beats to Apple. I don’t have $350 million under my mattress but I say don’t do it, Dr. Plus, if they have an automated turn off command, and it is called iBeats, then when you turn it off, you have to say in public “I beats off.”
90a) Damn, I love Dre. SO much. He is the shit.
91) Lindsey wondered why I cheered when Darvish didn’t get his no hitter the other night. I LOVE that guy. I was happy since I was at Sliceworks and I would have missed it if it happened. Not about a pitcher getting a no hitter. It is about making sure I see it. Selfish.
92) I am surprised Russell Westbrook doesn’t get into a fight every time down the floor.
93) I HOPE you are reading this after the OKC-LAC game. We are two different people if you are reading it DURING a game. It is different that I WRITE during the game. Get your own blog and you will understand.
94) Does eating an entire block of cheese make me a bad person? It is a large block.
95) I have a feeling I will be making jokes about the Raiders drafting Carr years from now.
96) Somehow, quietly, the Jags snagged Bortles AND Lee. That is dirty. Love the picks.
97) Here is the thing. The Pens are still going to win, but the Rangers win at the Pens crib in the last game sure as hell made it interesting.
98) Are both Pouncey brothers disturbed? Incognito didn’t hang with BOTH of them. Geez.
99) That is it. I finally want to end a rant on Sunday without hitting 100 so you think I have a life. Kyle, SO pumped to see you next weekend. Hope you enjoyed or are at least more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.
99a) Yes. I killed an entire block of cheese.