I will go Bill Withers #1 and Nate Dogg #2 as far as smooth…
Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
NOT on the clock. Afternoon rant in front of football. NOT a speed version. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for joining me today. Congrats to the Seattle fans for causing their second fan generated earthquake on Saturday. I would comment more on this, but let’s start ranting before Mike Ditka falls asleep on camera. Again.
2) I had to pause as I just verified that Boomer Esiason does NOT wear a hair piece up top. His hair looked pretty crazy there for a second.
3) Thanks to Mr. Royal for filling in. With one game to go, I hope you all took some of his bets. Solid read AND pretty solid picks. He missed out on Indy, but it is cold weather with Brady at the helm. Maybe Luck will start to realize that the little home field component is pretty damn important to win the whole thing. Mr. Royal is 2 for 3 and I think he is good on Denver minus the points.
4) With all of his dominance over the last 5 years, and me being a tennis guy, I SERIOUSLY never realized that Djokovic only has 6 Grand Slams. That is WAY behind the bell curve as a future HOF’er and being 27 years old. Luckily, the one he CAN win is the Aussie Open, and that is where we are at. AND the draw is absent on his side.
5) On another tennis note, good luck to Patrick Rafter and Leyton Hewitt, who are evidently entering the Aussie Open in doubles. Just two over the hill, cool as shit Australian guys entering a Grand Slam in their crib for shits and giggles. I always wish I had an Australian accent, mate.
6) I admit that I am not paying to hockey as much this year oddly enough. Still adjusting to Philly and Detroit being in a dumb division that is called the “Metropolitan.”
7) We are still in pregame for the Denver game. Lindsey and I both hope that I don’t throw anything at the TV if that man in a truck Chevy commercial comes on again. I hope to contain myself. Replace them with the AT&T kid commericals.
8) I report everything. In case you lost any sleep last night, Ashley Wagner DID make the U.S. Olympic skating team. Whhooooo. I was going crazy after those falls that I read about. What is ice skating by the way? Is it the same thing as figure skating? Confused. Someone send me a freaking flow chart.
9) Refs miss calls. They always have here and there. So, even though it shows better technology and camera views, if an NBA ref missing a call CAN’T change the outcome of the game, why do I care if the NBA recognizes that? Congrats, thanks for fessing up, and what does it change?
10) I am rooting for the Broncos amazingly enough still. I have two pools going on. One is fantasy, and I went with the odds, with Broncos and Seahawks players in the final game. The other is actually MY picks, where I have San Fran taking down the Broncos in the title game. We are looking pretty solid on both fronts thus far. Next week’s game in the NFC will determine which pool I care about.
11) I already know. Less money, but I treasure MY picks more. I have said San Fran for the get go.
12) Park & Co. burgers in Uptown, Denver, are seriously like the best burgers outside of Justice Snow’s in Aspen. I tried the Scarpone last night. It was delicious. Apparently, I don’t need to make it three syllables either. I thought it sounded cool the way I said it.
13) No matter WHAT happens in today’s game or for the next few weeks, Broncos fans will shift their attention to the “exam” after the season. It is in his contract. If he has any regression from the surgery, he will call it quits no matter WHAT he feels like.
14) I just watched Donald Butler do his pregame speech to the team. He mentioned a train complete with the train sound. I wonder if Ray Lewis watches these pregame speeches and throws stuff at the TV. Weekend blog. Sorry, Logan. More pics.
15) Seriously, is Robocop an extension of what they already did or a redo? The latter is more understandable. I might go watch it like watching a train wreck (no pun intended). You really CAN’T miss it.
16) When listening to Phil Simms announce a game, should I rationalize it by saying at least it is not Cris Collinsworth?
17) A-Rod just wanted 800 HR’s and did not want to cheat. The Yankees have the right to send him to the minor leagues initially. Am I wrong? Does any ONE of us care about this? I will keep writing about if we do and suck it up, but we don’t, right?
18) I have about $10 million less than DeSean Jackson MINIMALLY, but I still don’t think I would have $250k of jewelry and cash just laying around in my crib at ANY time. Of course, I am the same person who had $390 in his gym locker a few weeks ago, also. I get that. If I had a son, I would tell him to make gym and bank trips totally separate errands. And be DeSean Jackson in skill but not in personality.
19) I was a fort kid. I made traps to my forts out back with my dog, Pepsi, like multiple people would break into my fort while I was sleeping. That being said, I really want those Animal Planet people to make me a tree house. I guess I need to own a tree first though.
20) Yes, my first dog was named Pepsi. That is a whole OTHER story. Not proud. I won over names such as Keno and Bleier.
21) I am going to spend the rest of this game trying to figure out what Omaha means when Peyton yells it out. As Dennis Leary said, you have to have goals.
22) Seriously, he just said Omaha on the next two plays. One was a run, and one was a pass. What is he doing with that? EDITORS NOTE: He has said it about 100 more times.
23) Again. Omaha. Run.
24) Someone had some MJ letters found in their storage unit. I have an airplane throw up bag with Rocky Bleier’s autograph on it. What does that give me?
25) I think that really, really long iPad Air commercial is totally dope. I saw it this morning, and literally sat there mesmerized. Lindsey did too.
(It is so new I can’t find any photos of it)
26) The NFL said that two players broke their concussion protocol last week. This is like the NBA admitting ref mistakes in games. I already wrote about this. Scroll up.
27) I will be adding pictures on this rant galore, Logan. Watch your back at work on Monday. Make sure you saw that memo and watch out for this guy.
28) You would THINK I would make fun of LeBron for fouling out AND getting in a little scuffle on a foul on him. I won’t. The game went to double OT. We can cut him a break. And considering his body, he probably gets fouled a LOT more than what is called. It is like calling fouls on Shaq back in the day. No one was used to someone being that large at that position, so you just chose your battles with the whistle. Kind of like the MVP debate. Technically, Shaq AND LeBron should win EVERY MVP while they are in league. Just saying. It is kind of like MJ losing to Karl Malone back in the day. WE all know who the best is.
29) Ex-UNC bball player PJ Hairston is pursuing a D-League career evidently. Can we all just close our eyes and imagine the current UNC team with Hariston AND the Wear twin brothers? That is scary shit. Sorry, Vince. The unfortunate thing for UNC recruiting is when you only keep all of the NON shooting athletes.
29a) During editing, Lindsey just told me White Men Can’t Jump AND Princess Bride are on. I have lectured her about this. As it is, we are now watching Princess Bride.
29a) I think #1 ALL time. Not just comedy movies. Princess Bride.
29b) I did NOT know that this Walter Mitty movie was a remake! How is it the next coming of Forrest Gump then? Duped.
30) Dennis Rodman has come out and said he was NOT paid by North Korea for any of this recent actions or statements. We know, Dennis. With a normal person, we might question it. With you, we just assume you are playing cards with about 36 out of the possible 52 cards. THAT is generous, also.
31) I have another ice skating hook on my list. What is this sudden overwhelming presence of ice skating news? I haven’t heard this much noise since Scott Hamilton was lacing them up.
32) Lindsey and I went to Sirioz Pizza on Friday for happy hour. Decent food, fantastic happy hour financially, and although the bartender is kind of grumpy, he gets the drinks out…which is the primary feature of a bartender. Stories and friendliness are a distant second.
33) Combo PTO and business trip to Miami. I get jitters thinking that 8 days from right NOW I will be on a jet ski in the Atlantic Ocean. Why I chose a landlocked city to live in will always confuse me. BUT, it makes me appreciate the ocean SO much more. Excited to see you, Mom and Dad.
34) James Franklin says that Penn State is his dream job. I had heard he had dreams as a kid of starting at a southern SEC school and then moving to a northeast traditional power. It must have been in the cards. Thanks for sharing, James.
34a) OK. I just Googled James. He is from PA. Maybe I am jumping the gun on this one. My bad. I am so glad I have my intern edit this rant. Thanks, Bernard. Baxter just laughed. Inside joke.
35) So. Dan Quinn is a finalist for the Titans job, but they can’t let the guy try and win a Super Bowl first? No wonder so many NFL teams mess up their hiring choices. Give the dude some time to win it. I am sure he has lots of running plays, Chris Johnson.
35a) No matter how much of an idiot he is, Chris Jjohnson always has his 40 time, which was dope.
36) There is that iPad commercial again. I am slightly less paying attention, but still relatively mesmerized nevertheless. Amazing commercial.
37) I would like to send out a congratulations to Dorial Green-Beckham, the Missouri WR who is now free out of jail on suspicion of drug activities. I have sent Marcus Vick to pick you up, Dorial. I don’t have a hyphenated person on my Rant Squad, so the 13 scouts I have sent, Marcus, and myself are all rooting for you to do more dumb stuff. Two more to qualify and you get special treatment being a hypenated guy.
38) THIS is a buzzer beater. http://deadspin.com/grade-schooler-hurls-no-look-over-the-shoulder-buzzer-1498991034
39) Listening to Phil Simms makes me want to talk Dan Dierdorf out of retirement even more.
40) So, the Saints go 3-3 on onside kicks for the year in the most important game of the year, Brees throws it to Colston with less than 20 seconds left where he could duck out and get one final play, and he throws it FORWARD??????? The Saints have the entire offseason to teach Colston the rules that were evidently NOT being followed in his sandlot games as a kid.
41) Does anyone think that A) the Saints road problems wouldn’t be a factor B) the Seahawks aren’t the better team?
42) Does anyone think that A) being in cold weather in NE wouldn’t be a factor B) that the Pats are not the better team?
43) Does anyone think that A) being in the playoffs for the first time would NOT be a factor B) that the 49ers were not the better team?
44) Does anyone think that A) that being in Denver with wind would not be a factor B) that the Broncos are not the better team?
45) The cool thing about rooting for the underdog is rooting for the underdog. The cool thing about the underdog NOT winning is that the next games are epic, which is what we will have this year. Enjoy. George Mason was cool in the Final Four that one year. Having the FOUR #1 teams in the Final Four that other year was pretty epic though.
46) OK. I need to make a decision. It is $5400 to go to Brazil with room and board and flights (from Houston) taken care of. This does NOT include the actual game tickets, which seem to be expensive. Sadly, the next WC is in Russia, which is NOT on my bucket list. I think that the chances of me going to Brazil are dwindling. Can I technically do it? Yes. Should I? No. Dammit. I hope swimming with sharks is cheaper.
47) Wow. I am older than this ex-professional NBA player and I will say he looks about 15 years older than me. What are you doing in your off time these days, Mr. Franchise.
48) Mr. Royal, I don’t think I can call you Mr. Royal anymore. I need a name with more color. How about “GB?” (George Brett) Or my personal favorite, “Royale with Cheese?” Thoughts?
49) Oklahoma State basketball barely beat WVU yesterday. This is not football, OSU. Their crib is fan friendly, but their basketball team is NOT good and yours IS. Feel free to be devil’s advocate and say “Mr. Fillerbuster, it is a HOME CONFERENCE WIN.” Yes. I know I said that a couple days ago about UVA. Stop quoting my blogs, dammit.
50) Logan. I am not going to talk shit. But Monday, Duke and UVA lay it down. You will win as you are coming off of an embarrassing loss which I did NOT text you accidentally about. BUT, know that just like Duke finally has no white guys in their starting lineup (that came from ESPN so it is ok), but UVA has a COMPTON dude on their team. LOVE the guy and he is now starting. London Perrantes. PG with scoring skills and swagger. Look out. UVA has some gangsters now.
51) I am confused. I thought UNC basketball played WELL versus ranked teams. OH. That is right. Everyone and their mom is playing a zone now, and they just got CREAMED by the best zone in the world.
52) Hey, Direct TV. I don’t like your new commercial. When you hang glide, you take a course. Your commercial doesn’t follow this route. I know. I took the course in NC where the Wright Brothers did their thing. I have a certificate.
53) Aloe Blacc (the guy on the Kaepernick Beats commercial) is the new world Nate Dogg. I mean that. Nate Dogg was the smoothest voice for about 15 years in hop hop. I hand the keys to that guy now. Smooth. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_58FqEiG3I
54) UVA looked like they SHOULD look every night out against a team that is not shooting well. SMOKED NC State. THREE and 0 in the conference before the Duke game. Boom goes the dynamite.
55) I had this whole Clemson over Duke thing written, but I feel like I shouldn’t write about it with the game Monday. You always want to play Duke for the challenge. You NEVER want to play Duke after a loss…especially an ass whipping loss.
56) Lindsey input. She is on her iPad and found this funny. For you female readers, it is about how we men are pretty dumb. http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/husbands-cant-be-trusted-to-do-anything-right
56a) I didn’t even read it. I know we are dumb.
57) I don’t care if it is just for a DC position at a recovering NFL program, having Romeo Crennel on the front line is a good thing. Just like Lovie Smith. BOTH of those guys should always have a job somewhere in the NFL. I will make that Fillerbuster law hereby forthright are thou. I plan on reading Shakespeare later tonight after the game.
58) Lindsey is about football. She didn’t even notice that her Sooner basketball team took down Transfer U this weekend. I know I was surprised. For new readers, I am a closet Fred Hoiberg/ Transfer U/ Iowa State closet fan.
58a) The Mayor could be one of the coolest sports nicknames ever.\
59) This whole new NFL Pro Bowl system interests me about .000001%.
60) IF New Orleans would have pulled out that game yesterday, we would be talking about that Robert Meachem deflected catch as the Immaculate Reception II for YEARS. But, it didn’t, so this point is moot.
61) I am deciding which I am more irritated by. Denver fans yelling “incomplete” or that damn Chevy commercial. It is a push right now.
62) 14-0 and Decker just had a stellar return. I am starting to look on Direct TV for other watching options after my rant. Glad I started when I did. If I DID expect to rant the entire game, I would have run out of time.
63a) I might treat her to Snapped before or after Family Guy.
63) In my fantasy playoffs pool, unfortunately the email from Bill Belichick went to my junk folder that they were going to run it with Blount every time. Thanks for the vine (dibs, Jim Rom) though, Hoodie. Can you throw to Edelman next week, Bill? I picked up our beer tab last week, dammit.
64) By the way, Carolina Panthers, the reason you need to lose your first recent playoff game before winning one is that teams with 3 or more personal fouls USUALLY don’t win games. Slow your roll. Go listen to Nate Dogg or that guy I just mentioned, and RELAX. Play smarter and your skills will get you there. It is like the Final Four. You get there, you lose, and you learn.
65) Dammit. That just sounded like Bill Walton. That is the greatest left hand pass from a guard who grew up east of the Mississippi in the first half of a Pac-12 game EVER.
66) I think I am just going to rent one of those Car To Go’s…just because.
67) In case you care, #1 Arizona just landed the #7 overall recruit for 2015. Maybe Tyler Dorsey can shoot free throws or give them a bench. Revamped Final Four after watching the UCLA-Zona game the other night. Michigan State. Wichita State. Syracuse. Oklahoma State. Subject to change weekly of course.
68) Five terror suspects were detained outside of Sochi this week. Fantastic.
69) There will be SOME trade involving the Knicks, Clippers, Nuggets, and Lakers before this is all said and done.
70) Strasburg and the Nationals avoided arbitration and settled on a one year, $3.9 million contract. Of ALL the MLB players presently and their inflated salary system, I think HE is the most underpaid player in the league.
71) Note to self. DON’T forget to watch the new Family Guy tonight, Filler.
72) Aussie predictions. Yes. I know I am doing it AGAIN. Tsonga over Djokovic in 4 sets.
73) He looks like he is about to rob the place, but athletes outside of John Daly DO go to Hooters.
74) Welcome back, Percy Harvin.
http://deadspin.com/welcome-back-percy-harvin-1499428276
75) If I said “devil, Shaq, and zamboni,” would you click on the link. I would I know. http://deadspin.com/just-shaq-and-the-devil-riding-in-a-zamboni-1499460332
76) By the way, Mr. Sutmiller (old bar regular when I was bartending). I find it odd that you want off of my email list but then ping me on Linked In a day later. So, you want my work updates and connection, but you can’t delete ONE more email from your inbox. Just saying.
77) That is it. Going to go watch the second half of the Broncos game. Hope you enjoyed or at least are more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.
78) Mr. Royal. I want another day off tomorrow. Can you get me something?