Mr. Royal covers today. I have nothing to say beforehand. I have to go to Mothers in New Orleans for breakfast and then this thing called Jazzfest. Enjoy his higher quality until I return this weekend.

1. Taking my time with a long piece on Donald Sterling, but in the meantime I DID tell Filler I would help cover down for him while he’s off being romantic and whatnot. So here’s my weak sauce attempt at a rant.
2. I can’t think of a more exciting second round of NHL Playoffs in recent memory. As if classic rivalries in the first round weren’t enough (Rangers-Flyers went to a fantastic Game 7). We’ve got Habs-Bruins in Round 2.

2a. Remember that time Zdeno Chara almost killed Max Pacioretty? That happened. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63k03M1isCY

3.  They keep cutting to shots of Larry Bird in the stands of this Pacers-Hawks game with this look on his face that says, “I swear to God if you guys don’t figure out how to win this game, I’m going to cut half the team and execute Frank Vogel in the locker room”
4. If I were Kevin Durant, after a local newspaper ran a headline calling me “Mr. Unreliable” only days before I’m handed my MVP trophy, I would’ve just tweeted a link to a youtube video of that little white girl singing, “You’re Gonna Miss Me When I’m Gone.” What a joke. Dude basically single-handedly makes basketball relevant in that state and they’re running him out of town.

4a. Hey KD, there’s this guy named Phil Jackson who runs the Knicks. He should have a boatload of cap space when your contract is up next year. Just sayin…

5. Apparently Phil Jackson took Carmelo Anthony out on a nice candlelight steak dinner in Tribeca last night. Some creeper took a pic on his cell phone which must have been made in 2005 or something because it’s the worst, graniest picture of all time. Anyways, Phil probably asked Melo to take a pay cut to stay in New York and hope Phil might turn things around. If I were Melo, I’d kindly thank Phil for the dinner and book my flight to Chicago.
6. Mike D’Antoni just resigned after the Lakers wouldn’t lock him in for another season and prevent him from being a lame duck coach. Personally, I would’ve coached the team the last year out of spite and forced them to fire me so I got ALL of that $4 million left on my contract instead of the $2 million they bought him out for.
7. The Lakers are reportedly interested in Kevin Ollie, John Calipari, Tom Izzo, Billy Donovan, and Tom Thibodeau to replace D’Antoni. Why don’t they just let Kobe coach the team? Or hire Mike Brown again? That would be SO Jim Buss to hire Mike Brown again!

7a. If the Lakers steal Kevin Ollie from my Huskies I think I would actually cry real tears for the first time in years.

7b. Calipari already said there’s no way he’s taking the job (**cough** “bullshhh”**cough**)

7c. Izzo isn’t going anywhere

8.  Wait a minute, am I about to combine the last three hooks into a super hook? Yup. Hang with me here. The Bulls want Melo because they need offense like Bryce Harper needs hair gel, everyone knows Tom Thibodeau wouldn’t get along with Melo, and the Lakers need Thibodeau. So the Bulls tell Melo he can pick his coach and team up with D-Rose (maybe?) and Joakim Noah AND not take a pay cut, the Knicks get rid of Melo clearing even more cap space for KD and Lebron next year, and the Lakers get their coach. Win-win-win.
9. How is it that Joseph A. Bank can offer buy 1 get 3 free deals on entire suits? I mean, I could kind of understand buy 1 get 3 free off on like, sweaters or maybe even dress shirts but… entire suits? Those have to be the worst suits of all time. I dunno anything about fashion though I wear the same thing to work every day.
10. Denver is already one of my favorite cities. I never caught a Rockies game, I’m fascinated by Mile-High, and now I can do married/engaged things with Filler. When we finally do hang out, I imagine my wife hating me having someone who likes talking sports as much as I do so I may go by myself. I haven’t decided yet.
11. At a certain point do we stop making fun of Jameis Winston and start taking his legal troubles seriously? I don’t mean to be all crabby about this, but isn’t it possible that he has some serious character flaws? Sorry, couldn’t resist. You gotta admit, there is something fishy about the guy. Jeez, I can’t stop.
12. If I were to get caught stealing something from the grocery store it’d be White Cheddar Cheez Itz after a long night of drinking. Nothing quenches drunk hunger like White Cheddar Cheez Itz, and I think I’d have to be drunk to be stupid enough to get caught stealing something from a grocery store.
13. Habs went up 2-0 in two periods, Bruins came back, Habs scored making it 3-2, and then the Bruins came back to tie and we’re headed to overtime. I’m telling you people, if you don’t watch hockey, get off your ass.
14.  OKC is just crushing Memphis and Indiana came back to win. Let’s everybody calm down.
15. Sorry, I’m not done with this crab legs thing. Crab legs? Jameis Winston got caught stealing crab legs? Why would you steal something so awkwardly shaped? I hope he went big and got Alaskan King. In another report he was caught at a Burger King “stealing soda in a ketchup cup.”  Dude. I don’t even need a punchline for you.
16. For the record, I never said I thought Blake Bortles’ girlfriend’s boobs were fake. I think they’re real. That’s what makes her so unbelievably hot. It just confounds me. She’s anatomically incorrect. That’s how hot she is. Doesn’t make sense.
17. Aaron Hernandez was indicted for jail assault. The sky is blue, but sometimes it’s grayish-white when it rains.
18. Manny Machado is back for the Orioles which is great news if you’re a fan of any team in the AL East who thought the division wasn’t competitive enough already. Yanks, Sox, Blue Jays, Rays, and Orioles people. I got into an argument the other day with someone who tried to tell me it wasn’t the toughest division in baseball. They lost.
19. Does Shaq have the deepest voice in the history of the world? It’s insane. My ears almost can’t hear sounds that low. Get Brenkus to do a SportScience on that!!! Just kidding. If you see Brenkus, convince him to quit.
20. Ray Rice pleads not guilty to aggravated assault of his (at the time) fiancé. They are now married. They were holding hands on his way to the courthouse. To each his (or her) own.
21. You don’t have to like golf to watch the Golf Channel and Holly Sonders. http://getgitty.com/8-reasons-why-you-should-watch-golf-holly-sonders/
22. Yankee fans booed Robinson Cano in his return to the Bronx. Check it out, Robby. You were second-favorite player during your time in NY. We had no problem with you leaving for more money, we had no problem with you turning down the Yanks deal, we had a problem when you said you felt “disrespected” by a deal worth more per year than what you got in Seattle but was three years less.
23. The Canucks fire John Tortorella only a year after they picked him off the NY Rangers’ scrap heap. When you physically threaten people and have to be restrained from charging into opposing players’ locker rooms AND suck at coaching that’ll happen to you.
24. I’m slowly coming around to the whole liking Lebron thing. The Heat are the only team that handled their business in the first round. Lebron has been killing it in a year where KD had to be superman to steal the MVP from him. He’s got half of Dwayne Wade and new and not-improved jump-shooting Chris Bosh. He’s basically on his old Cleveland team with a shell of Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh’s former selves. Additionally, he’s taken the lead on a lot of off-the-court issues. Maybe he’s growing up. Maybe I’m just subconsciously hoping he opts out next year and signs with the Knicks. I dunno, I’m crazy.
25. Watching JJ Redick start for an NBA team is kind of weird. I feel like I grew up watching him at Duke with the understanding that he was going to be terrible in the NBA and here we are ten years later and he’s starting for the Clippers in the playoffs?
26. Steve Nash was recently asked if Chris Paul wrongly gets a pass for not winning in the playoffs and responded by saying that Chris is “the best point guard in the NBA, and it’s not close” and that it’s really hard to handle the ball as much as he does without turning it over. So basically, don’t even think about ragging on CP3, because no one is asked to do more with the basketball than he is.
27. Headed to 2OT. This game is never going to end. Which means this rant may never end as well.
28. Filler asked me not to post pictures and it’s really, REALLY hard not to. Especially of Holly Sonders. Just google her.
29. SI.com is reporting that Jerry Jones has stated that the Cowboys will “find a way to get Johnny Manziel.” Ohh Jerry. If it weren’t for a certain man named James Dolan and a certain racist NBA owner out in Los Angeles, you would absolutely get my vote for worst owner in sports. Only you could sign an average quarterback to a huge contract and then publicly commit to doing everything in your power (including trading up!?!?) to destroy his confidence by bringing in a guy who is already the most popular athlete in the entire state of Texas. http://regressing.deadspin.com/which-athlete-is-your-state-most-obsessed-with-1565712391 It’s self-sabotage at its absolute finest. Really, have you been hanging out with Dolan? I can’t wait for Romo to have a 3-INT day at home and start hearing the “JOHN-NY! JOHN-NY! JOHN-NY!” chants in that monstrosity of a stadium you created.
30. Habs just hit the game winner. Goin to bed.
31. The Rangers are heading to Pittsburgh on one day’s rest after a 7-game grueling series versus the Flyers to face a well-rested Penguins team. With this occurring on a Friday night, I can almost guarantee I will be in no condition to blog as I will be drinking heavily as I do during all Rangers’ losses. So, I guess it’s not a clown question. See you Saturday.