Oh, maybe if I get really lucky, I’ll get to grow up and listen to Air Supply and wear jack boots
Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
NOT on the clock. The Sunday rant. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, people. Thanks for joining me. Not excited that Lindsey’s dad is coming over, but it might fix The Doctor and the shower leak, which is the greatest shower in our financial range EVER. It is leaking because apparently someone is sitting on the seat in the shower. I have no idea of who that is.
2) Still chuckling about Lindsey’s FB post. We had to pull the caulk out before her dad came over.
3) The shower, people. Stay focused. JJ, I have had some pops, which means this rant would be good for you.
4) Read Mr. Royal’s blog yesterday. Dude can flat out write, and I don’t know if I am the same caliber. I feel like Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder and maybe the other guy is better. But I will try.
5) How am I supposed to watch the Oscars tonight when True Detective will also be airing its next to last episode with Woody and Matthew?
5a) Sorry, Logan it is PICTURE day. Watch your back at work on Monday.
6) By the way if you haven’t seen Dallas Buyers Club, you are missing out. The supporting actor is in a rock band, which means it is way more cooler than you even thought it was. You sit on your couch and think you are talented, and then THIS guy does this stuff.
7) McConaughey better win best actor. I have decided that when he has a southern accent, smoking, drinking, and doing drugs, he is untouchable. I don’t expect any Boston or New York movies by him in the near future. No Good Will Hunting II or anything.
8) I just sneezed 17 straight times. That is 3 above the usual over under.
9) Shit. I just realized that I am a sports blog. Let’s get to it.
10) Most coaches oppose the slowdown rule in college football. Basically, we all like or respect Nick Saban.
11) Bags are banned at the Boston Marathon. I was going to go somewhere on that…but…
12) Lindsey is watching the Snapped marathon today, evidently I am having an “immature day,” and they just said on the show “Jeremy only fingered Nancy,” while showing a picture of the courtroom. I still chuckled. How can you NOT laugh at that?
13) If you and I talked yesterday about noon, you could have asked me a MILLION times in a simulation exercise if UVA would beat Syracuse by 19 points. Not ONE time would I have said the difference in score would be more than 8 points, unless we were talking about how much the CUSE would win by. I said 58-54.
14) Have the found Muema? Did God tell him to go home AFTER leaving the NFL combine yet?
15) Lindsey called this one. Does American Airlines have dibs on BOTH Dallas AND Miami NBA arenas? Has this ever happened? Have I lived in a arena sponsorship BUBBLE?
16) Lindsey’s dad is here. He just asked me WITH a straight face if I had a couple 2 by 4’s and a band saw sitting around. I almost lost it, but instead ran to my computer to write this hook. There is no hook. The fact that anyone would ask me that rolls me off the couch.
17) He also brought his own flashlight. I had a flash back to Crocodile Dundee, where he says “that’s not a knife. THIS is a knife.” He was referring to the cute little flashlight I have sitting around. I almost took offense, but then realized we were talking about flashlights.
18) Finally, it is tough to talk about caulk once again without laughing. How hasn’t SNL done an entire EPISDOE on that?
19) Tiger just withdrew because of his back. Hot news. I am sure it had NOTHING to do with being 5 over. He was on hole 13th. Jokes about his round and Perkins would have been brought on.
20) Few things besides bees scare me in life. Dwight Howard advising Melo through the media scares me. I feel like going out and looking into the beekeeper career path.
21) By the way, New York Knicks, when a team scores 73 points before the half against you, it is NOT good.
22) I wish all hockey games could be played outside in the snow.
23) Bill Walton was on twice this week for college basketball. My colleague, Bob, informed me of the second. Given that it was a rare non sports night for Lindsey night, I didn’t know. But, two nights is a little overload for the train wreck that is Bill Walton. Even I can’t take that. And, I am also tired of him saying “are you old enough to remember…?”
24) If the NBA adopts a 4 point shot as they are discussing, I might find the time to figure out how many points Pete Maravich would have averaged if there was a 4 point shot in college.
24a) Seriously, no one is going to get his scoring record in college and he played THREE years.
25) Actual question: LINDSEY: How long does it take caulk to harden? Seriously, SNL, get ON this.
26) I am not sure I want to know more about the Michigan football rape case.
27) For those of you who vote that baseball’s opening day should be a national holiday, I would like to firmly put you behind the first two days of March Madness. National pastime my ass.
28) I don’t have time or interest in looking it up, and I have ultimate respect for build it and leave Larry Brown, but is he really rooming with his son at college. Cue threesome jokes?
29) That was horrible what I just wrote. I am sorry. I have good hooks… and bad hooks.
30) As a court expert, I officially Cheez-It Grooves as very, very good. At least the ranch flavor. They are gone already and I just went grocery shopping last week. At least I am writing about them instead of Easy Cheese. I am so strong for not getting that.
31) What the hell is this show about with that weird Dr. Steve Brule in it? I hate when I am confused about commercials. I know it is not because I am just older when Lindsey is also confused by the same commercial.
32) There is no easier joke in the world after his gun charges than Felton-Felon. Seriously, that is the easiest walk into joke like ever.
33) Tulo says that winning will cure all of this Tulo to the Yankees to replace Jeter talk. I concur. I live in Denver. I know baseball. I have perused the roster. Don’t think it is happening. He will replace Jeter and get the hell our of here.
34) Russell Wilson wants to own his own team. See? We DO have something in common. I was really worried about the whole Super Bowl winner, dual sport, rich millionaire thing separating us.
35) I think he should have turned down Dancing With the Stars. Not that it would have changed MY life, but I support him turning it down. Concentrate on confusing us whether you will become a baseball player or not. The only thing I know about Dancing With the Stars is that Hines Ward I think won the thing. Boom.
36) I WOULD pay money for Johnny Football to become ok in the league and flail at that though.
37) Nice touch, Johnny Football. Nice Red Sox jersey and leaving those girls totally confused on who they just might or might not of saw.
38) I am sad that everyone else thinks that Wichita State might make the Final Four now. I have been talking about them since August, and kind of sad some chick who uses seeding or colors will also advance them. Kind of wanted them to be a 5 or 6 seed. It is like Panic getting a #1 Billboard hit.
39) Lindsey is trying to figure out if I am having more internal problems or just really enjoying reading Catching Fire…there. Just saying. Sorry. Get your own blog. I just say pretty much anything.
40) Allen, TX closed their extravagant new high school football stadium due to cracking in the building. How can we NOT build something well in this time and age? Seriously, we have nanotechnology and we get cracks in a basic football stadium?
41) Where the HELL is Drunk History? The best show outside of True Detective and it just goes away? I can’t win for Pete’s sake.
42) Lindsey and I both want a dog. Could YOU say no to owning this pure bred stuffed animal? I have always wanted a Jack Russell and an African Boerboel, but things change I guess.
43a) If you don’t know what an African Boerboel is, THIS is the dog I have always wanted.
43) Why doesn’t the NBA allow for black masks? That is mask racism I think. I have no idea what that means.
44) What a trade. Ryan Miller to the Blues? Maybe they won’t just be a regular season sensation this year.
44a) Because they have been good during the regular season and blown it. Think San Jose of the last 5 years times the last 25 years.
45) I firmly belive that Bourne Ultimatum is the best third movie in any series of all time. Truly. I dare you to name a third movie that is better. Go old school if you want. I field all entries.
45a) This has nothing to do with the fact I have a man crush on Matt Damon.
45b) I know that Lindsey loves me when she acts like it is an accident that she finds it on Direct TV.
45c) Or, holy shit, maybe Matt Damon is on HER list. How could I be so blind? I am ok with it. He is one good looking dude.
46) I know my Jeep isn’t a Shelby Mustang. I am aware. But, it IS the reason she is named that. Gone in 60 Seconds. Could be the worst acted movie of all time by the way. “It never rains when it pours.” That is just horrible.
47) Scott and Erik, I totally forgot that the mother of Memphis Raines is Susan’s mother from Seinfeld.
48) Whenever I hear Bring Sally Up, I think of my brother sending me that killer workout video of the guy doing pushups.
49) UCONN. You are playing well at the right time of year.
50) Cincy, you are NOT playing well at the wrong time of year. I see you going down in then first round to some directional school.
51) I attended my first alumni UVA Denver event this weekend. Because the game was on, I only met who was within a five foot radius of me. Drew, Lee, Jeff, George, Jenny, and Joe? Pleasure.
52) Raise your hand if you care if Roger Federer won his 6th Dubai title. It is like caring about golf before The Masters. Yeah.
53) Apparently per Lindsey, I am supposed to be excited that this Divergent movie is coming out.
54) The ex- GM of the Raptors says he tried to tank. Go figure. The Raptors have been tanking I assume since I was…ten years younger.
55) The daughter of Randy Moss broke a DIII record in scoring 63 points in a game in basketball. That doesn’t surprise us. We know he had mad athletic skills and that would translate to his kids. What I want to know is if she bitched after the game about not scoring 64 points.
55a) I relate Randy Moss to “ridiculous athlete/ spoiled/ lazy/ whiner.”
56) Mother Love Bone-Chloe Dancer might be the greatest song…ever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyBJoFz_QPw#aid=P8AqcpI_v0w
57) When you go to restaurants, they always cook bacon just right. Well, that is NOT right. Burnt bacon is the best. Most people would have complained about the bacon I got today because it was burnt to a crisp, but I remember being in our kitchen telling my mom that I could wait a few more minutes until the strip was burnt.
58) I report non WC soccer. Man U beat Sunderland. I almost even googled where Sunderland was at. Almost.
59) Hey, Oklahoma State, either be good or don’t be good. I had you in my Final Four earlier this year, Smart goes ballistic, and now they have to run the table to MAKE the dance. They beat KU last night. They are a 6 seed that will WRECK our brackets. The talent on that team is ridiculous. They are the biggest waste of basketball talent outside of Memphis.
60) In his weekly statement of feeling lonely and needing media attention, Mark Cuban says that the D League is a better choice than the NCAA. Well, I guess if you don’t want to learn ANYTHING in life or have a good time, I guess he is right. Can you and Dwight Howard hang out for a week and go in a bender so we can have a break from you? Please?
61) The 76ers retired Iverson’s number this weekend. Listen, like him or not, here is the deal. ON the court, NO one played ten feet above his size or gave more. Sure, he made some bad choices at the end of his career, but he was a badass. Google the roster the year he made the Finals and see if you can name ONE player who could go to the Finals with the same squad. I can think of one. MJ. Boom goes the dynamite.
62) Lindsey just told me to not listen to Chloe Dancer anymore. I am now playing the Singles soundtrack, which if you don’t know it, is like the best soundtrack outside of the Lost Boys.
63) Did I just name drop the Lost Boys? Wow.
64) Congrats to Paula Creamer for draining that 75 foot putt to win today. I just think that a female with the last name of Creamer needs to win at least once every 6 weeks.
64a) I assume Playboy has tried to enlist her, right? Name and stature?
65) The Bulls have signed Jimmer Fredette. Prepare for Jeremy Lin Take II.
66) Seriously. That was not a joke. You KNOW yAdd Contact Formou want it to happen to.
67) This is hilarious. Forty one people who don’t care. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/83910737/?image=83910762
68) Listen to the ridiculous vocals in this song by Soundgarden. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rei5VFFtO8&feature=kp
68a) Highest vocals of the 80’s and 90’s. Geoff Tate. Sebastian Bach. The guy from Steel Heart (who also sang in Rock Star). The guy from Soundgarden.
69) Lindsey has a ridiculous recording of me being drunk talking about Hunger Games and Rue, but she advised that it would not be a good thing to give you that knowledge. My slurring is marvelous.
70) Neel, you said it best. When spotting Catching Fire on my work desk, he said he was glad that I was getting in touch with the teenage female in all of us. He wasn’t cracking on me. He actually said he killed those books a LONG time ago.
71) The only thing about Sunday that sucks is that women’s basketball absolutely sucks.
72) And no, Duke vs. UNC is not the same in women’s. Sorry, ladies.
73) Lindsey and I went to a crawfish boil last night, heard it was $30 a plate, and then left after I reminded her we would have crawfish from New Orleans in less than 60 days.
74) Uber is like the greatest thing…ever. Up there with Velcro. I actually USE an app on my phone.
75) I am tired that Denver has had NO snow more than 3 inches ALL winter. I either want a blizzard or NOTHING, and I am getting the worst of the latter. I feel like I am in freaking Jersey.
76) Tonight is the Oscars. I have an odd talent of guessing every award even thought I haven’t seen anything (except Dallas Buyers Club). Lindsey’s pride is that she beat me last year. There will NOT be a repeat.
77) VERY powerful pictures that Lindsey shared with me. The dog at #19 breaks my heart, #26 and the condoms makes me laugh a little, and all are good although I have NO idea what #16 is doing in there. NO idea.
http://www.eyeopening.info/2014/02/11/30-powerful-images-ever/
78) I still laugh at both the owl and pig Geico commercials. Who? Boots and pants?
79) Revised Final Four. Wichita State, St. Louis, Kansas, Florida. And you all KNOW I am just presently mad at Michigan State. I would replace St. Louis with them if put on record. But this is just a blog.
80) If you call someone “sir” of “chief” when you don’t know what their name is even though you SHOULD, they won’t call you out on it. Trust me.
81) Havarti cheese is the greatest thing ever. Lindsey and I live next to this mini fine foods grocery store that is VERY dangerous after a few drinks. She even comments on how good the milk tastes.
81a) By the way, if you ever think that Carnation Instant Breakfast (chocolate), milk, and vodka go well together, do not try it. Lindsey has informed me of this. I just stuck with the screwdriver thing.
82) Robinson Cano says that Seattle needs another bat. Or, you could just bat like YOU are paid. Why did you GO there if you think they need another bat? Shut up, and just do a .320/ 40/ 115 year. Geez.
83) I just realized that my entire diet yesterday was quesadillas.
84) Quiet story, but VA Tech is VERY happy that previously named Texas Tech starter before injury Michael Brewer will be transferring and can play immediately. He can’t be NEAR as JaMarcus post college like than Logan, correct?
85) The Bobcats waived Ben Gordon and we all will lose sleep until SOMEONE picks up the “only when I am on” undersized shooting guard who never switched to a PG. He is like Vinnie Johnson who thinks he should start.
86) Matt, Lindsey is on 431 I believe in Sugar Mash/ Candy Crush. She is scared of what you are saying about level 461. I am just the middle man. No clue to what you all are talking about.
87) That is it. Hope you enjoyed or at least are more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.
87a) Parting shot of Lindsey Duke, who is the new rant mascot. Take that, Ronda Rousey.
