(pronoun) (verb) to (action verb containing the word “rant”)
Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
NOT on the clock. Actually, I am surprised Lindsey wanted to watch the OU game at home, and the South Carolina-UGA game is about done, so I thought I would kill some time ranting. I like ranting. This might be a two parter, since I assume we will be going somewhere at some point. It will be a nice second phase finishing up this thing before my Steelers game tomorrow. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Djokovic goes 5 sets. I didn’t see it. Sorry, Bob. I was too busy watching UVA get smoked by Oregon. 5 sets? 13 deuce game? Great stuff. It IS still what it is. Nadal vs. Djokovic in the final Monday. Give me Nadal in 4 sets. On the record.
2) Hey, UVA football. When a team is stronger, faster, and better than you, you will win with turnovers, luck, and taking chances. If I see you all do ONE more screen pass on a 3rd and long, I will…do SOMETHING.
3) Costa Rica beat the US in soccer WC qualifying. The score was 3-1. I didn’t see the match. But when a PENALTY kick was our lone score, I kind of feel like I DID watch the match. Logan? Ugghhh.
4) US vs. Mexico in soccer Tuesday. Get PUMPED. Then get PUMPED again for the Mayweather fight that weekend. Actually, I won’t be offended if you JUST get pumped for the fight. Sorry, Logan.
5) Logan and I are Twitter buddies. He is HILARIOUS. He is a Yankees and Duke fan, but somehow he is still likeable. Follow him. Trust me. Actually, follow HIM and then make the decision whether or not you follow me. @Logesmadoges
6) I never go on FB, as I am a Twitter guy, but defriending people on FB when you actually don’t have a lot of real friends is somehow FUN. Take THAT, Mike and Mike.
7) Rivera blows a save. The Sox pound the Yankees. Jeter leaves the game. The Yankees are in FOURTH place. Lucky for the Yankees, the underachieving Blue Jays play in the same division. Damn. Sorry AGAIN, Logan.
8) Not that I would ever cheer an injury, but at least the Yankees have the Ellsbury MRI.
9) UVA was the first team like ever to punt 13 times and WIN last week. BYU must be pretty sad right now after watching THIS week’s Oregon game vs. UVA. I have a large following in my blog at BYU, so I have to mention them.
10) I am retired from betting. I only do pools. That being said, if I DID bet on college football still, I would have made a LOT of money on the Oregon-UVA game. I said it would be 40 points. The spread was 22. Ugghhh. Maybe I need to be a boxer or Brett Favre and make a comeback.
11) You know Ohio State’s recruiting classes are good when a Heisman hopeful goes down and they still wreck the other team like everything is normal.
12) Thoughts and prayer to the Cincy QB with the gruesome injury and the name I don’t even FEEL like copying and pasting. I think the last name was French or something. Lots of odd letters. I think there was a “x” in his name.
13) Congrats to WKU, who not only turned the ball over 5 times in 6 plays, but for also making the legendary Deadspin front page.
14) Seriously, people. Just take FIVE minutes of your day and peruse the big stories on Deadspin. You can thank me via email. Or, if that is part of the five minutes, don’t even email me.
15) Mexico soccer fired their head coach HOURS after losing to Honduras. Come on. Honduras isn’t THAT bad. They are #43 in the world. It is not like playing the British Virgin Islands or Seychelles or anything.
16) The US is so bad at soccer that even the “British” Virgin Islands are on the last page of the FIFA rankings.
17) The Rockies are fighting with my Phils for who is worse. Yet, Rockies Michael Cuddyer is somehow leading the NL in batting, NOT in the top ten for home runs, but LEADING the league in slugging. I need a flow chart. Confused.
18) Headline. “The Jets cut Brady Quinn, but might sign him next week.” Are they TRYING to give us ammo for jokes? There is some conspiracy going on. Trust me. Given in the geometry proof. “Rex Ryan is an idiot.” But how are the rest of them ALL dumb.
19) I am not giving you the link. Just Google “hockey player kills grizzly bear deadspin.” There. Do it.
20) Speaking of bears, how can you NOT love this photo. Any odd situation you can catch a bear in is SO cool. When I visited my grandfather as a kid, we either played blackjack, mowed the lawn, or looked for bears when Nonna or my mother weren’t paying attention.
21) Tennis is easy to make fun of unless you have played it. I get it. But this IS a great point, and I was guilty of it also playing in HS. If it was ever possible to say this statement and be believed, I LIVED it. “We had the most badass tennis team EVER.” http://deadspin.com/why-do-tennis-players-say-come-on-so-much-1249903336
22) OU just fumbled. I will just continue to stare at my computer. Lindsey=NOT happy right now.
23) I would like to say thank you to the media world for telling us that Real Madrid makes a lot of money. I am now waiting on the report that Mel Gibson “has some issues.”
24) Richard Sherman is eying Night Train’s record. Will someone ask him if he even knows who Night Train IS? Dude, focus on your Twitter battle with Revis. FOCUS.
25) I see that a Marlins pitcher had a one hitter. If I had more time in my day, I MIGHT actually see if he even WON with that gem.
25a) I still say “marlins” and remember they have TWO World Series Championships.. MTV has that ridiculousness show. It should be all about the Marlins.
26) “Landon Donovan will be in US lineup.” In other news, the grass is green and the sky is blue.
27) I got talked into watching The Great Gatsby this weekend. I was muttering under my breath. I was about to tweet about it. I was VERY wrong. The movie had a little of everything for everyone. Powerful, moving, emotional, and the second reason since The Departed for me to get over my hatred of Titanic.
28) Except for that nude painting scene.
29) I just saw the Bo Jackson commercial for 5 hour energy. He was SUCH a badass. He is a quiet guy who bow hunts. He must need money.
30) With all of the people who either lost or didn’t play, we are SO lucky to have Azarenka-Williams for the US Open women’s final. Not saying that Azarenka WILL beat Serena, but she is one of 15 people out there that CAN beat her on a given day.
31) If I am Serena, I win tomorrow and then retire. She can go out with John Elway and have drinks.
32) Yay. I came home yesterday, and the “Fight Issue” of ESPN was in the mail. I am sorry. I forgot. Have I even mentioned that there is an all time fight next week? Have I? It slips my mind. Well, there is. Just the greatest fight since…I will get back to you on that. Rumble in the Jungle is what I think, but this is not heavyweight. Just WATCH it. I will be at Sports Column if you would like to Fillerbuster it.
33) What I learned from my mom segment. 1) Name brands are name brands for a reason. 2) If you go the extra mile at work, you might not be noticed at first, you might not be noticed at all, but you shouldn’t be going the extra mile to BE noticed. Love you, Mom.
34) My mom probably is reading my blog again now. FOOTBALL has started. Welcome back.
35) I would go more into the Trevathan fumble, but I think local AND non local people are doing a REALLY good job at noting at how much of an idiot he was. I guess he didn’t Google Leon Lett EVER?
36) Yay. JR Smith was suspended for 5 games for doing drugs. He is a living Mad Lib. Let’s play. JR Smith was (derogatory verb) for (action verb) (illegal activity).
37) How did you do? We ALL love Mad Libs. I am sure there is a Mad Lib APP these days, but it was fun on the school bus ride to schools.
38) Do they still have school buses?
39) I had a computer in my classroom back in the day. We played Dr. J vs. Larry Bird on it. Thank you, Mr. Clark.
40) Aaron Hernandez pleads not guilty but his lawyers don’t bargain for bail. Maybe there is someone IN the jail he would like to kill now.
41) The Berlin Wall might have fallen, and Tampa Bay might have won a Super Bowl, but ONE thing is certain. The definition of “clean” between guys and girls is VERY different. I just changed shorts before going out tonight for her friend’s birthday. My theory is that BOXERS have to change since they are against your skin. Shorts DON’T.
42) I love showers, but so many blog ideas go to waste while I am in there without my piece of legal paper.
43) Brickleberry? Up the ante. I saw your first episode back. Funny? Yes. Over the top and rude? Yes. As funny as or funnier THAN before? Not. Come on, Tosh. You are spending too much time on the show that made you famous.
44) Steve Spurrier went for a fourth and short on the goal line down 11 point AWAY. AT UGA. Steve, I am your BIGGEST closet fan, and I KNOW you thought you had it, but your decision basically transitioned a game that would become EPIC to one that just kind of faded away.
45) Nice fighting on the sidelines by your coaches also, Steve. CLASSIC. Literally, they had to be separated. http://deadspin.com/south-carolina-assistant-coaches-fight-on-sidelines-dur-1270607540
46) Greatest quote from the USC-UGA game. “He hasn’t moved anywhere except there.” That makes NO sense. Just SAY things that make sense and I won’t be mad I am not on the TV.
47) I am SO glad I skipped the fun bike ride that Lindsey did this morning. Too long of day. I am pretty good to go. She got a flat tire and I went and picked her up after gym. Would have been TORTUROUS walking that thing back.
48) By the way, I had a mini Forrest Gump moment today. I haven’t swum more than once in the last 3 months. I am out of swimming shape. Therefore, I expected to do 4 laps, rest, do 4 laps, rest, etc. Instead, I did four laps, and then decided to do ten. At ten, I decided to do a quarter of mile. At a quarter of mile, I decided to just do the half mile. Anyway, I am doing a bad job at quoting the running scene in that movie, and I SOMEHOW ended up doing 72 laps all at once/ aka a mile.
48a) I have seen marathon runners not be able to do four laps. “swimming” shape is MUCH different.
49) Seriously, this new movie called Rush is Days of Thunder revisited. And “based on a true story” could be the loosest phrase EVER.
50) Except for Hoosiers and Miracle on Ice. They are legit.
51) Tokyo gets the 2020 Olympic Games. I don’t have any joke here. This item would just be classified under “ON the Fillerbuster’s list.”
52) Forgot to tell you. AFTER Wawrinka lost in five sets to Djokovic, he did this. This would be called composure. http://deadspin.com/wawrinka-after-djokovic-match-ah-fuck-1270573466
53) Brie. BRIE! PLEASE do that Drunk History party you are planning on doing. It will be EPIC. I am still deciding between Jesse Owens and Hitler or that Bible thing with Daniel and the stove and lion’s den.
54) Oregon’s rushing average per player for the first two games is simply RIDICULOUS. Some dude got 120 plus yards on FOUR carries today against UVA.
55) I just got yelled at because my favorite short sleeved shirt has colors resembling West Virginia color. Yes. Lindsey is HARD core OU.
56) There is pressure entering a football pool. Having the second highest person in you company FUND you for it makes it all that more exciting. They don’t read this. Mark, good luck.
57) I find it fun talking TO people in my blog who never read my blog.
58) Not you, David (our CEO). HE reads it.
59) That Cheez It commercial with “Zhing” is officially my favorite commercial EVER. Bahmp. Bahmp Bahmp Bahmp. Wild Zhing. AWESOME.
60) How many no name pitchers will get ONE strike from a perfect game? Latest? Yusmeiro Petit. I had to Google him. Giants. Go watch For The Love of The Game, chump.
61) WVA just got a turnover. I wish you people KNEW how much I need Oklahoma to win every week.
62) Aaron Rodgers “won’t change the way he leads.” And WE won’t change the way we watch the rest of NFC get better than you.
Hey, Kurt! You suck. I went to Uptown yesterday and D-Bag was first thing out of their mouths about you. I bet you get that a lot though.
63) Apparently, Kraft REALLY, REALLY wanted Tebow on his squad. I assume the next press conference will have him in a hoodie.
64) Basically, I just called Kraft Belichick’s bitch.
65) Saints LB Junior Galette says he just wants the Saints to dominate the division. As soon as I figure out who the hell this guy is, I will make a joke.
66) LeBron will be making a sitcom about “making it out” of the hood. Great. I expect Johnny Football to come out with a non-oil millionaire story any week now. You guys both had it MADE.
67) My brother isn’t sure, but he thinks that Mike Trout is the first player to steal 30 bases and hit 20 HR’s in his first two seasons. Whether it is wrong or right, just recognize that he is a Millville NJ badass. There aren’t many of those. I grew up in Bridgeton. We had to go to other towns to work out and watch movies and such.
68) Bring in that tree cliché. Terrelle Pryor has been named the Raiders starter.
69) That is funny because of the cliché about trees falling over and no one hearing them. I suck at clichés.
70) I would not recommend playing scratch tickets for lottery. If you break THAT rule, I highly recommend playing “All in Poker.” I am cashing in about $50 bucks on a $15 investment tonight. SIX hands against the dealer. FUN.
71) When did I start sweating underneath my nose? This must be the bu monthly thing that reminds I am getting older.
72) Ok. Last night was fun. Nothing to really note except for the fact that the Caitlyn (sorry if that is the wrong spelling) is the BOMB of all of Lindsey’s friends. Her and I talked for 30 minutes one on one IN the middle of her birthday party (which is impressive for HER). She is dope. Truly.
73) I can’t believe I just busted out “dope.” For you youngsters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuM3MdrpxmM
74) JJ. I lied. I DID buy something at Taste of Colorado. You got me. I bought two beers and a DOPE dress for my lady. My bonsai tree is still alive, so I didn’t get sucked into THAT.
75) I am listening to DOPE right now. Seriously, I knew EVERY word off that CASSETTE.
76) Two things I don’t need alarms for. Christmas and the first Steelers game. My lady made me come out in the living room to blog.
77) We really CAN’T laugh at him. Ronnie Lott. He once lost a finger voluntarily during a game. Maybe THAT is why THIS is so funny. http://deadspin.com/ronnie-lott-falls-out-of-chair-during-postgame-show-1236669572
78) OK. Now I am on a BVD kick while I write this. When Will I See You Smile Again is BEYOND badass. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7m16mrY-l4
79) I know I have a 65 per hours week job when I have to Google who Geno Atkins is after he signs for $55 million.
80) F-YOU, Skip Bayless and Woody Paige. I still know more than you even WORKING those 65 hours. This is your full time job, and Skip only has the JaMarcus call and Woody has…old school baseball. You both are idiots.
81) I, and the rest of the world, hope that injuries don’t derail the Triple Crown repeat. Cabrera, get better.
82) By the way, have you SEEN Derailed. The most uncomfortable scene you can have in a movie with the person you would least likely think to be in the scene. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RS3sZ6tqx0Y
83) When the man who stole the Wrigley ivy gets out of jail, can I hire him to steal the big bronco by our airport?
84) I have “Stenson-Douche” written on my list. I was going to REPORT and make jokes about it, but that seems to sum it up alright.
85) I don’t bet on tennis. I don’t bet anymore. You will probably read this hook too late to bet. BUT, I would take Nadal in the final in a HEARTBEAT.
86) I started getting distracted writing this but then realized the Steelers start in 80 minutes. SO glad I am not having little Fillerbusters like ever. They would jack my schedule UP.
87) The Pittsburgh Pirates guaranteed themselves having a winning season this week. In a related story, I am going to go have beers with Dave Parker in an hour.
88) Thanks, Kyle. To you OTHER people, my new favorite song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkIWmsP3c_s
89) Kyle and I are the same people who were convinced THIS song was the greatest song ever written…for about 3 months. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCzFYU17Soo
90) I still think it might be.
91) I think I am doing good things in life, and then…http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/9633047/kyle-williams-san-francisco-49ers-honoring-slain-friend
92) Aaron Hernandez is in trouble. I had like FOUR hook ideas for this one, but I thought that one statement would sum it up.
93) Jason Kidd just bought 1/6 of 1% of the New Jersey Nets. Don’t think about him coaching. Don’t think about the billionaire who owns them. Don’t think about fractions. Think about this. I am from New Jersey. There are like TEN Devils and Nets fans total.
94) Yes, I am aware that they are in NY now. Most people don’t realize that NY and NJ are right next to each other.
95) I had a ten minute conversation with a NYC dude last night when we were contemplating how everyone out in Denver was so damn friendly.
96) Brian Urlacher says the Bears actually practiced faking injuries. Join the club, bitch. We are ALL wondering when they fake it.
97) Bob, you tricked me. You told me that Richard Gasquet was thirty plus, which is ancient for tennis players. I just Googled it. He is 27. You LIE.
98) I would like to congratulate Jordan Spieth for getting nominated to the Presidents Cup. As soon as the first two weeks of the football season are DONE, maybe I will care.
99) Roger Goodell says that the NFL concussion settlement is “significant.” This is the guy looking at their profits for last year. I am sure “drop in the bucket” is more accurate.
100) Listen. If I haven’t gotten you reading Deadspin up to this point, I have failed. That being said, http://deadspin.com/fan-writes-letter-to-pelicans-asking-for-1-million-con-1252635846
101) DAMMIT. Why are my hooks indenting again? Damn. Someone tell me how to STOP this.
102) Auriemma will return as women’s Olympic coach. I am glad about this, as no one else knows the names of any OTHER women’s basketball coaches. I can PICTURE the chick from Baylor, but don’t know her name.
103) Cam Newton was voted captain of his team. The caption was “you cheated the BEST.”
104) You know you are in the wrong line of work when you read about Anthony Dixon turning down $24,000 for his freaking jersey number.
105) Chip Kelly says the Riley Cooper “scuffle” was NOT racial. In a related story, I don’t like to blog.
106) Sad to hear that UL’s Ware won’t play until 2014. Would have LOVED to see that kid on the court this year.
107) He is the guy whose bone went outside of his skin on TV, people.
108) The NBA will have motion cameras. This is another thing that is on my list and I have NOTHING.
109) Rex Ryan says that the Jets offense is HIS offense. This is another thing on my list that I have TOO much on. Let’s move on. The Steelers play in 55 minutes.
110) Steve Spurrier says that UGA hate vs. USC is NOT like UGA hate for UF. That is great. I still would like to continue this conversation, Ole Ball Coach. Down 11, 8 minutes left, on your 1 foot line, you go for it. Doesn’t compute.
111) So, now that the NFL has lost a concussion suit, I assume the NCAA..will…you know.
112) A New York Indian tribe has launched radio ads against the Redskins. Couldn’t they have used that money better and just given money to Indians IN DC?
113) No, congrats on making it this far, but I am not going out to make you t-shirts.
114) If I HAD to make a t-shirt, I would say “When I ask what the special is, it is not because I am poor. It is because I am drink ANYTHING and tip very well.”
115) God Bless You, Deadspin. “No other men in it.” http://deadspin.com/no-other-men-in-it-just-me-a-letter-from-a-porn-hop-1258653329
116) Chandler. “Too many jokes.” http://deadspin.com/the-time-eric-crouch-asked-his-lineman-to-spit-in-his-m-1258397411
117) Hayters and Pub on Penn? You both suck. And YES. I have enough readership at this point to support advertising. If there was a was a way to ANTI-advertise, I would do it.
118) That is it. Gotta go. I am too concentrated on my boys to notice the number “117” next to this hook. Hope you enjoyed, Ben and Logan. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.