What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let’s get the flock out of here!
Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.
In no particular order of chronology or importance…
Not on the clock. Holiday weekend. Sunday with no sports on. This is what we call for you newbies a MONSTER rant with pictures. Let’s turn and burn.
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1) Greetings and salutations, people. Sitting here flipping between Lethal Weapon and Godfather II in air conditioning on a very warm day after a long weekend. I am quite comfortable and in this for the long haul.
2) Just finished watching the end of The Natural. If you don’t get goose bumps at the end of that movie, then you are reading the wrong blog.
3) My list is long. Grab a cold one, get comfortable, and let’s take a journey together. I have nowhere to be, my work clothes are laid out, the girl is somewhere else, and I have lots to say.
4) The Rockets are saying Chris Bosh is their “Plan B.” He is sticking with Mr. Wade. Let’s not kid ourselves. Plus, who the hell wants to A) be a plan B or B) play with Dwight Howard?
5) Who is Tyler Raber? He is Andy Warhol, people. He has his 15 minutes. Not bad going to the grave saying you are the SECOND player ever to hole in one the 17th hole at ArrowCreek. 279 yards. Three wood. Sick.
6) Speaking of the word “sick,” I used the word “dirty” hanging out with Lindsey’s gay friends last night. It basically turned into a long conversation. Hear me out. My four best complements are the following, in order. Gangsta, Dope, Dirty, and Sick. I don’t care if that is hip or not hip.
7) Maybe you already know who he is. Maybe you don’t. But, KNOW this. The Bulls are chasing a dude named Nikola Mirotic, and you read it here. The tall dude can ball. Put his name somewhere in your subconscious and then tell people about my blog when he becomes an All Star.
8) I like parties with a mechanical bull, karaoke, and a slip and slide. I also like when the requirement to getting INTO these parties is bringing a handle and a side. Those are my types of parties. I will never be a polite party guy. Ever.
9) Luckily, I don’t get invited to parties, so that eliminates the chance of getting invited to a polite party as I get older.
10) Godfather II is so solid. How was the third one SO freaking bad?
11) I love my lady, but when she goes somewhere on a Sunday, I can watch guy movies and not pretend I can tolerate Snapped.
12) I am looking for Rocky IV still, but nobody is perfect.
Hey, it stopped the freaking Cold War.
13) Lethal Weapon is my flipper, Lindsey STILL has never seen it, but once again, Godfather II is SO freaking good.
14) I have gone twice now, so the $70 Elitches pass Lindsey and I bought is at the break even point, and everything after this is gravy. Not a bad idea. Plus, I find my reaction to lightning and the rides closing is pretty minimal…because I can come back WHENEVER.
15) Joey Chestnut won, but the counter thing on the TV was a little off. I sense conspiracy. Watching him eat a dog and watching his total increase by two is shady.
16) The Black Widow lost, which means we need a new hot dog eating female. Anyone?
17) We also need some chick who can beat Ronda Rousey, because she will end up losing money for being TOO good. Who would have thunk? Magic needed Bird. Ali needed Frazier. We need some beast chick to give her a run. I am her biggest fan, and I even blew off her fight this weekend because I assumed she would win. Not in 16 seconds, but definitely a win. Dammit. Another excuse to show that killer body photoshopped image. I don’t care.
18) Johnny Manziel wants out of the media for his antics. And then, he goes and has the cops called TWICE in one night while hanging out with Money and Bieber. If there is ONE place I would like to be a fly on the wall outside of Scarlett J. having sex, it would be with THAT crew. Dammit. Sorry, babe. Excuse to show Ms. J.
19) Insult to injury. Can you at least WIN something, Claude Giroux, before grabbing a cop’s butt and getting arrested? It will be cooler doing that about 60 days after hoisting the Cup. Just my opinion though.
20) I tell you to read Deadspin ALL the time. Where else would you read about a dude who got busted for only having ONE hand brake on his bike…when he only has one arm?
21) After all the fuss about the Heat chasing Kyle Lowry, he signs with Toronto. I am just talking here, but if I am Shabazz or Mario, I am BOTHERED. You too, Norris Cole/ Kid N’ Play.
22) I don’t know how many times the story was posted or reposted, but stop telling me, ESPN, whether Kobe flew in or didn’t fly in for the Melo meeting. I DON’T CARE.
23) Yeah, he is old, but Paul Pierce on the Clippers? Sounds tidy. Works role wise too. I would pull the trigger.
24) They suck, but that Rockies 4-6-3 double play was pretty freaking cool.
25) Lindsey says she is going to discontinue her ESPN alert app because she dates me and it is impossible for her NOT to know what is going on. She endures so much. I apologize regularly, but I worry it is not enough. BUT, the app IS not really needed when dating me.
26) Maybe you like my blog, and maybe you just read this because you know me. Whatever. You get a break soon. I will be VERY sporadic during my first ever week plus vacation. I will of course work, because I am a workaholic, but not for long each day. I think I will do a one sentence, 11 hook rant each day. My feet will be dangling in the Caribbean, so I might be distracted.
27) My boy, Ben, sent me 25 things even the most diehard Seinfeld fan didn’t know. I admit. I didn’t know about 60% of them, but that is about 20% then everyone aside from my colleague, Erik. Anyway, the most intriguing one was this. I have an obsession with the number 11. My entire world revolves around that number. Lindsey tells me when it is 11:11 each day. Anyway, Jerry Seinfeld’s is “9.” Now I know why they quit at the top. It was after 9 seasons. Not ten. He was born in ’54. He graduated in ’72. It goes on and on. Ben, I had no idea. Thank you.
28) The Bulls amnesty Carlos Boozer. As soon as we all understand what exactly that means or why it was created, I will talk more about it. Or you can start your own blog.
29) The Mavs signing Dirk for three more years going INTO free agency is an awesome move. “Let it be known to free agents that he is not prematurely retiring.”
29a) Like Barry Sanders did.
30) “Even though we will sign NO max contracts free agents.”
31) Kurt Rambis will join Derek Fisher’s staff. Good move, Kurt. You need to be head coach again SOON. And wear your glasses of course.
32) Dion Jordan, you are an idiot.
33) The Hawks signed Mr. Sefolosha to a deal. He will be great in bowing out of the Eastern Conference playoffs in the first round next year.
34) I LOVE the Sooners signing up Green-Beckham. He is an idiot off the field, but he was the #1 recruit a couple years ago and it ain’t exactly dumb.
35) The A’s signed a pitcher and finalized a deal with the Coliseum for another 10 years. Take Moneyball out of the equation, and they are STILL a class act organization. With more money in the wallet.
36) Landon, BAD move in criticizing the U.S. team. You are PERFECT for not being invited to the party. Don’t go and say dumb stuff.
37) I can’t believe that Lindsey has never seen Lethal Weapon. I get age is an obstacle, but this movie is SO good. Yes, I flipped from GF II.
38) I would like to apologize to Serena Williams for cracking on her bizarre performance in the doubles match.
39) I would like take back that apology though since you don’t tell us anything about what is going on.
40) France Germany was epic. I didn’t even have France coming out of the group without Ribery. Pretty impressive. That is what superpowers do.
41) Listen. Cinderellas are cool. But the World Cup is a FILTER. Netherlands (best non winner of all time outside of Karl Malone and Dan Marino), Argentina, Brazil, and Germany is pretty dope.
42) Tell your friends. Germany has made the WC semi’s FOUR straight times.
43) I just noticed that when Mel Gibson makes the happy face at the shooting range, he fires less bullets than are on the shot sheet.
44) I have a feeling Lethal Weapon is going to be my theme today. Just a hunch.
45) The Djokovic-Federer match was one of the best of all time. They had the same amount of won points 4.5 sets in. Quality tennis. One point for the championship, and Federer overturns the call, and then runs the table til the 5th set. HIGHEST level tennis. Hey, John McEnroe. You are shorting yourself. #1 Nadal-Federer Wimbledon. #2 You and Mr. Borg #3 MAYBE today.
46) Remember, LeBron’s AGENT is meeting with other teams…not HIM. Let’s not overreact.
47) I think of Manu Ginobli pulling that dunk in the Finals, read that he had a stress fracture, remember falling off my couch, and then have to pinch myself.
48) I have 482 Twitter followers. Join the party. My party is delayed until 1K. 500 is easier than I thought. I am an addict.
49) The Bulls are after Gordon Hayward. Listen, his final shot against Duke was cool years ago, but THAT is what you are striving for. Poor man’s Kyle Korver?
50) It is cool that the WC USA soccer match broke some records, but we are a NATION, not a team. It is not like NYC or Chicago is going to hate watching something that supports us ALL. Faulty ratings.
51) The Rockets put up a billboard with Jeremy’s Lin’s # with Melo’s face. That is just silly. I heard Lin bought some suitcases later that day. Don’t worry about it, Jeremy. Houston as a city sucks.
52) Graham being tagged as a tight end is just silly. Look at the freaking stats. Antonio Gates changed EVERYTHING, you idiots.
53) Who would have thunk that Pau Gasol would be the game changer for NBA free agency. I care more about where HE goes than Melo or LeBron right now.
54) Just kidding. Well, about LeBron. Where he ends up matters. Where Melo ends up is the next butt of all jokes.
55) The Bills can’t catch a break. You might not know who Kiko Alonso is, but his stats say that his loss really hurts the Bills. You really have to be from Bufflalo or not have a life like me to get this hook.
56) Seriously, Lethal Weapon is SO dope of a movie. Mel Gibson is just playing a crazy dude, which he ended up being anyway in real life. How perfect.
57) I expected Andy Murray to lose, but not in straight sets. Geez. Can you be more consistent? Act like you have been there now.
57a) Just read an article about Mats Wilander (my FAVORITE tennis player ever) while I was waiting to get my hair cut. He is charging $10,000 per day for a day long tennis lesson in a mobile vehicle. Brilliant. Speaking of Barry Sanders, my guy won THREE Grand Slams in 1988, and then quit tennis for rock music in 1991. Sounds like a more successful version of me.
58) I am a broken record. Lionel Hollins needs an NBA head coaching job. Geez.
59) I set my alarm to watch the 2nd or 3rd set of the women’s final. I woke up early after a rough day. I STILL missed it. Kvitova won SO fast.
60) Roger Federer’s chick is not a good looking chick for a 7 time Wimbledon champion.
61) I make fun of mad fathers at kids games and similar stuff. Can we charge the dude who punched a ref in soccer and then the ref DIED two days later? Geez.
62) The Rays were thinking about trading David Price, but then they decided to start playing like their talent dictates. Maybe that witch doctor they brought in DID have results…just delayed. They are in contact range in a subpar division.
63) Debbie, when I say that I am glad you and Steve created Lindsey, it is not because I had some pops that day, it is just because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I truly love your kid. I talk relatively the same with pops or without, and sometimes to a fault. Geez.
64) I like it that Luol Deng is not taking a discount for any team. He deserves it. Show me the money. Love it. His only problem is that he went to Duke.
65) You are idiots, Chicago Bulls executive team, for trading him away…financial reasons or not.
66) We are at the desert scene for Lethal Weapon. I have goose bumps. Dirty good.
66a) Yes, I know that is a different movie, but it is SUCH a cool photo.
67) I have my intern working on hooks for NHL free agency. My people will be in touch with your people shortly.
68) Not often that a retired player gets traded. Not surprising it is the Cowboys as a location. Good job, Rolando McClain.
69) I LOVE the addition of Shaun Livingston to the Warriors. If you are a loser like me, or an NBA junkie like my co blogger, you know that dude had Magic comparisons coming out of his ass from high school. He can ball. Not done yet.
70) Gortat got 5/60 AND got on Deadspin for riding into Polish camp with a gun turret. Good week.
71) Props, Colorado. Our baseball team sucks, but the fireworks were pretty tight. “Tight.” That would be 5th on my complement list. Note to self.
72) When Joey Chestnut won his eighth hot dog contest in a row, I found it weird that the announcer said it would be the “greatest accomplishment of any man in history.” I think something Magellan or Gandhi did was probably a LITTLE better. Just being honest.
73) Shout out to Ryan, the bartender from Swanky’s. I don’t like other Steelers fans as a rule…just the team. But, I loved watching games with him, and John’s new chick, Bri, is kind of cool.
74) Cerk, I used your Watch ESPN credentials to watch the Brazil-Columbia match at Elitches. I hope you don’t mind. Direct TV sucks. We have no Watch ESPN life.
75) The new Linkin Park CD has the anger from the first one, which makes me happy. But, it doesn’t have the rhythmic beauty the first one had. They need to listen to that thing and THEN write stuff. Either that, or I am getting old. Or changing my workout music subconsciously.
76) I am five minutes in movie from my most quoted line of all time. Dammit. Lindsey will miss it. “What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let’s get the flock out of here.” Boom goes the dynamite.
77) Which is my second favorite line.
78) Lindsey noticed that Lakeside amusement park has a ride called The Spider, and it only has SIX legs. Weird.
79) Even though Columbia is out, my new favorite soccer player IS James Rodriguez.
80) Johnny Damon says he could still outhit half the league. I actually believe him, but wish he would step up to the mic. I think I would like him more if he didn’t switch to his rival late in his career. I think he would have been beloved MUCH more sticking with either the Yankees or Red Sox.
81) That is like Luke Skywalker becoming boys with Mr. Vader.
82) Neymar, I won’t crack on you. A “fractured vertebra” sounds painful as hell.
83) Are Sixers fans more happy that LeBron is in the conversation or more depressed about the Jeremy Lin conversation?
84) I LOVE the Clayton Kershaw pencil throwing commercial on ESPN.
85) He is at 36 innings without allowing a run. That is dirty.
86) If you have a tall son who is not coordinated, make sure you keep this in mind. Spencer Hawes just got 4/23 from the Clippers. PLEASE keep the basketball in his crib.
87) I feel like CC Sabathia has been at the end of his career for a long time now.
88) If you go to the $35 Tamayo brunch in downtown Denver, get the Tamayo dog. It is dope.
I couldn’t find a picture of the hot dog online, so I just thought I would show a partial pic of Joey Chestnut again. I improv.
89) If you go to Lakeside, which is a cross between a DMV and festival crowd, wait for the train around the lake. It is worth the view at sunset.
90) Of course, everything out in Denver is worth the view. What a beautiful city.
91) I kind of felt bad for Josh Gordon for getting busted for drugs that didn’t help him on the field. I am NOT in that group anymore. Way to get a DWI, kid. And I thought I was stupid at your age.
92) Jason Kidd says that there is nowhere that he would rather be than Milwaukee. I wish I would have BEEN to Milwaukee so I could make the assumptive joke. It HAS to suck, right?
93) I don’t drink and drive…ever. And, I love Uber, but $63 during surge pricing is a little excessive when I am just being safe in town.
94) It doesn’t sound crazy, but the Wild Chipmunk at Lakeside is kind of riveting.
95) There was a kid at the bumper car ride at Lakeside that I am going back 30 years from now to see if he is still there. HARD core.
96) My Walker plan is working great. I just do 100 pushups whenever the feeling strikes me. I am going to be huge.
97) If you made it this far, then let me know what flavor of a year’s supply of Mio you want. On me. I recommend the lemonade flavor.
98) That is it. Hope you enjoyed or at least more informed. Will I blog tomorrow? That is a CLOWN question, bro. Peace.