You got mentioned twice. You win for theme, Jennifer.

Read it, don’t read it, I don’t care…just needed to get some things off my chest.

In no particular order of chronology or importance…

On the clock.  Airplane Rant.  Speed version.  Let’s turn and burn.

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• Greetings and salutations, people.  Thanks for joining me.  You’re on a boat with probable return of about 100 hooks.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU
• So, I guess the moral of today is put LeSean McCoy on your fantasy team, but don’t ask him to help out with server Rob’s rent money. http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/09/lesean-mccoy-explains-the-20-cent-tip-he-left-a-waiter
• Coming from you in the MIDDLE seat, mind you.
• Ray Rice video released. Ray Rice cut from team.  Ray Rice suspended from NFL indefinitely.  Ray Rice’s wife getting mad at media (which is a long hook in itself and very odd).  Sad story all the way around, but it is staying exciting.  My only confusion is that when he originally was suspended, I thought the NFL DID see that video already.  You are telling me they didn’t have access to it?  Or did they react NOW that everyone and their mother has seen it?  And how the hell does TMZ freaking get everything we shouldn’t see?  And can you believe there are angry people who are still defending Ray Rice?  ”It was the fall that actually knocked her out…”  Come on.
• You will read many intermittent Wisconsin stories throughout this rant as between driving for 8 hours, and being around the state for a couple days, I am pretty sure I got the feel for it. AS far as driving, if you have a family, like to road trip, or just like very large vehicles, the 2015 Ford Explorer is for you.  Not for me.  I like smaller SUV vehicles and MUCH more window view space.  I love my Jeep because of the high visibility for one.   Overall, I give the Explorer a B and still would like to drive the new Jeep Cherokee as opposed to “something comparable” from the rental company so I can test drive my future vehicle.
• Debbie (Lindsey’s mom), so when are you passing along Dan Brown’s Inferno? You were reading it on a beach in St. John like two months ago.  I might just have to break down and buy it.
• Maybe I am wrong, but the loss by the Skins against Houston says a lot. One, Houston is still a bad team.  Two, The Redskins are as murky and confusing as last year evidently.  RGIII already thinks people are out to get him.  Imagine if he puts up another bad year.
• Middle seat, but somehow I have claimed both arm rests. They were just there.  Sorry, guys.  You are way too nice for above average size guys.  Thanks for the room.  They are looking at my yellow legal pad paper taped to the seat in front of me and probably think I have issues.
• Maybe I am living in my own little world, but I think having Darren Sproles on both my fantasy teams will be brilliant by midseason. Just saying.  I sat him on my bench this past week as I am getting the feel for my players, but may start him next week.  Thirty one years old or not.  One back sets or not.  Chip Kelly’s offense is MADE for that dude.
• In case you care, in one of my leagues, yes I was the guy who played Andrew Luck this past week. Dude just smoked me all the way down the board.
• In the USA Today, the airline companies got a rating of 69 out of 100 for the second year in a row. Not good.  Barely passing.  Well, I agree.  I need the seats leg room to all add 2 inches on every airplane, I need free carry on/ checked bags, free soft drinks, and finally…no charges for changing flights in some extreme cases.
• I am flying just outside of Detroit, but still can just FEEL the energy of people lining up to snag Allen Hurns from Jacksonville for fantasy. 2/110/ 2 touchdowns will do that.
• Now keep in mind I was up in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin with no real internet for three days, but did Jamaal Charles have only 7 rushes for 19 yards? I have danced that dance before.  Not really missing having him on my fantasy team.
• In my fake league where we just used The Tavern for free beer for a fake fantasy team, I have Cordarrelle Patterson. Dude simply averaged 34 yards per carry the other day.  Great, so I am 0-1 in my “real” leagues where I picked the team, and 1-0 in my fake league where it was autodrafted.
• Perusing the MLB standings and thinking about where they were a couple years ago, I truly can’t believe the Texas Rangers might lose 100 freaking baseball games. That is the definition of a tailspin.
• I have said it before and I will say it again. The MLB’s second wildcard is the dumbest thing in life.  The fact that San Fran and Pittsburgh might have to play a one game playoff when their records are what they are presently is just ludicrous.
• Justin Gatlin quietly has won all 18 races he has entered this year in track. 83 in his last run.  With all of the technology we have these days, I am surprised dudes aren’t running like 9.6, 9.5.  Not that I can do anything close to that, but I just would have thought we as a human race in general would be faster.
• I don’t know much about Fargo except for the wood chipper scene in the movie, but kind of cool ESPN will be doing GameDay there. Sounds like a football town, and North Dakota State is trying to win its fourth title in a row in the lower tiered school division.
• Actual conversation at the lodge in Lakewood conversation. I go downstairs late at night.  I say “can I get a wakeup call”  WORKER: “We don’t do wakeup calls, sir.”  ME: “Well, there is a button on the phone that says it.”  WORKER: “We don’t do wakeup calls, sir.”  (Owner steps in) “ Get out of here.  I know your kind.”  ME: “The kind that was looking for a wakeup call?”  Not the only story about the owner, Russ, of this Waubee Lodge.  He is one shady and somewhat angry dude.
• Had I known what a weird guy he was before we arrived, then I would have felt much more 80’s horror flick scared arriving at the hotel with no power for hours.
• I am flying back from Detroit presently. Oddly, and knowing who I am, VERY surprised that I didn’t make the trek from Dearborn to downtown Detroit when there was a Tigers and Lions game.  Would have been a fun scene, but logistics sounded tough.
• Before you ask why I didn’t stay downtown, it was a last minute trip.
• I applaud the powers that be for lifting the postseason ban on Penn State football. Let the kids win something again.  Point proven, penalty delivered.  Now let the healing progress to the next level.
• The lodge in Lakewood might have been the first hotel room I have stayed at in like 15 years that didn’t have the channel ESPN.   And painful.
• Read on, sensitive people. Skip this hook.  This might be in the gray area.  How was the wedding?  Well, it was a lot of fun.  The couple is perfect for each other, the ceremony was on the water on Lake Wheeler, and the bride came in on a pontoon boat literally during the ceremony.  Pretty dope entrance.  It was also a wedding where amazingly “masturbation” and “projectile throwup” were in the same story… and about the same person.  Solid night.  Past my bedtime, but apparently someone also was just walking the halls the next night after skinny dipping talking to people, but forgetting that her clothes were all on the beach.
• The Sabres owner is evidently buying the Buffalo Bills.  Well, at least THAT is now a completed story.  I was rooting for Bon Jovi I will say.  Now he has to runaway and simply have a nice day.  Hardy har har.  I know.  Raise your hands and keep the faith that hooks will get better.
• That Hawks owner thing is bizarre. Did you read the comments?   How does no one notice after all this time that his mentality is like someone living on a plantation with slaves still?  I saw before I got on the plane that Ferry got disciplined too.  Didn’t he get in trouble for reading what the dude wrote?  Oh wait.  He actually talked the shit about Deng, didn’t he?    Talking/ writing aloud.  I need more information.  Wait, I guess I should have gotten more info before writing this hook.  I am just writing, people.  There is no subtraction from the rant.  Moving ON.
• My boss thinks I tend to write too much when conveying my thoughts in an email. Do you agree with that?
• John Calipari will have a UK kids only combine this year. It really is a good idea overall.  I like it.  I hate him though in general of course, his cheating ways, and the fact that there aren’t a lot of other schools who have the firepower to have their own freaking “combine.”  I can’t wait for you to get busted.  It HAS to happen.
• Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I said that Djokovic and Federer were a lock to play each other.  That is why they put up the nets, people.  I knew about Cilic, but not much about Nishikori.  I am sure the ratings will be just fine for the final.  No they won’t.  Cilic won pretty handily.  Bring up the tree in the forest cliché and call it a day.
• Interesting fact. Tell your friends.  This final is the first Grand Slam final without either Nadal, Federer, or Djokovic in it since…2005.
• BS DONE.  The US basketball team actually will play someone relatively legit at the FIBA World Cup.  Who the hell designed this schedule again?  Wouldn’t it have been more fun to have an early test?  Anyway, Lithuania is no pushover, and it will most likely be Spain on the other side.  Spain will give the US a run, although they have bigger problems with Serbia and Brazil right now.
• I believe Bama won 41-0. I believe the spread was 40.5 for the game.  Wow, they really know what they are doing out there in Vegas.
• USC finally beat Stanford. At Stanford.  Listen, Carroll might be gone, but don’t sleep on this USC team.  They always get top recruiting classes, and that is a monster win against a very good team.
• Damn, why couldn’t Nebraska lose? So close.  Took a miracle catch to get them out of that upset bid jam.
• In the USA Today in the travel section, someone was telling us about Denver yesterday. There evidently is some glacier nearby that I have somehow missed, and yes, person in the paper, you are right.  Sancho’s Broken Arrow is the best bar around.  Right around the corner from me. And if you like the Dead, WSP, or Phish, you don’t need jukebox money.
• In Wisconsin, if you order a drink “tall,” they think you mean a double. I knew some places did this from my bartending days, but still seems dumb to me.  You must get some people really drunk on the first couple rounds when they are trying to drink slower by trying to get more mixer in the drink.
• But everyone in Wisconsin assuming you want a beer chaser with your bloody mary is pretty cool. Even the bloody mary’s that have freaking sliders and a whole smorgasbord on top of them.  Lindsey had two pretty ridiculous drinks.  Any time the server says your bloody mary will be out shortly and they are simply waiting for the sliders to be done cooking is a good thing.
• Good feedback from Mr. Royal on my ‘I Wish” only rant. About 15 hooks starting that way should be the max.    I just went on a rampage I guess.  A little overboard.  Please forgive me.
• The Pats lost their first opener in 11 years. The Pats are the only team in their division with a loss.  Pretty amazing comeback by Miami, and let’s all keep in mind that there is a Chip Kelly connection with Miami’s coaches, meaning the blur offense/ NFL style has s footprint down there too.
• The Saints lost on the road. The Bears lost at home.  The Chiefs lost…at home.  Philly had to come back from being 17-0 down to beat Jacksonville.  Oh, how fun the early weeks of the season are.  I assume a good amount of people were kicked out of winner’s pools AND loser’s pools.  I personally was not.  I dodged the upsets and luckily Philly got their head out of their a^& against J-ville.
• Are there salads in Wisconsin?   We went to Sobelman’s Sunday before flying out.  Don’t go in there without an appetite for bad things, the place bleeds Packers in there, don’t go there if you want something healthy, and don’t go in there if you are in a rush.  Not going to happen.  My body literally hates me right now after 5 days of travel.  The state of Wisconsin combined with the fact I love McDonald’s in airports is NOT good.
• Big time turbulence.  Awesome.  Love it.  My PC just got air.  Cool.
• I knew the spread was 13. I went up from the reception periodically to check the Michigan State-Oregon score.  In a million years, I would never have said that the very solid Michigan State defense would even give up CLOSE to 30 points in one half.  That was crazy.  Glad all my picks can’t be considered real until next week due to my disclaimer on all levels.  I would have ridden Michigan State and the points all day.
• I would like to thank the guys watching the Michigan State-Oregon game who almost fell out of their stools when I told them I was 41 years old. Thanks, guys.  I didn’t even have my typical backwards hat on.  I did it hatless.
• Serena destroyed her good friend, Caroline Wozniacki, the other night in the US Open women’s side. She joined the 18 Grand Slam club, and VERY cool that Martina and Chris Evert came out to welcome her to that club.
• How cool is it that Navratilova and Lloyd both ended up with the same amount of Grand Slam titles? I will tell you.   SO cool.
• How many would ONE of them have if the other didn’t exist.
• I love it that Wozniacki and Williams went and boozed together after the final match.
• Kind of glad I went nowhere NEAR Cam Newton in any of my fantasy drafts. As I have said before, I think the Panthers take a step back this year.   And of course, not having Newton as their QB makes that a much easier prediction.
• Hey, Carolina. How about that Steve Smith first week?
• Antonio Brown, stop kicking punters.
• I forgot the Steelers play the Ravens this week on Sunday.  Guess that blows THAT night.
• So A.P. promises a touchdown on his very first run from scrimmage this year. It was fine that this didn’t happen.  What is NOT fine is when he then goes with NO touchdowns for the ENTIRE game for some fantasy owners.  In one league, that is me, people.
• I have been traveling, so that is an excuse, but kind of sad I wasn’t around to go up to that Bud Light party in Crested Butte. That is an event that typically I would find a way to get to.  I would say that my odds for the next one to also be in Colorado are slim to none.  I believe it was called “whatever usa.”
• You can say what you want, but stats are stats. When the Steelers come to visit YOUR football team, there is an average of a 51% ticket price increase.  Closest one after them is the Cowboys at 42%.  Boom goes the dynamite.  They are a show people want to see, AND it means that transplants never adopt their “home” team.  Not going to happen, Broncos.
• People are not wanting to sport the Skins look as much these days with all of these politics going on. Washington jersey sales is down 35% from last year.  Overall, NFL jersey sales are up 3%.  Something is missing.
• I keep reading about these nude celebrity pictures, but admit to not trying to find them on the internet ONE time. What is wrong with me?  As SOON as I am off this plane.
• I can’t think that seeing Jennifer Lawrence naked would be a BAD thing. I probably should use my other computer, aye?
• Big Ten football is definitely not backing up its supporters. All “big” three teams went down this week in bad fashion.  They keep reaching the point where outsiders MIGHT be considering getting their back, and then the second half of Michigan State-Oregon happens.  Or the whole Va Tech-Ohio State game.  Or…Michigan.
• The Milwaukee Airport really needs better signage. Sure, sometimes there are multiple ways to a location, but their directions send you all over the place.  I missed at least 3 turns and the walkway went to where I was looking for, and I followed EVERY sign a couple times and ended up outside.
• Olive Garden is selling a $100 card for unlimited meals at their locations for 7 weeks.  First, it is hard for me to write about this as I just have had a horrible last five days for diet between Wisconsin and Detroit.  Second, I would destroy this otherwise.    If I knew where the hell an Olive Garden was around me.  Sounds like an effort.  I will pass.  I have my TRX now.  I need to eat a salad.
• That makes no sense. Olive Gardens HAS salads.  Low fat dressing then?
• So, today is that unveiling event from Apple. Curious to know if anything big came out.  Last thing they “invented” was the iPad in 2010.  I am hearing something about a goofy watch, but that just sounds…dumb.
• Apparently, Bill Murray’s new movie that is coming out is pretty powerful. Keep your eyes open for it.  Vincent.  I am in.
• I have not seen Guardians, but I have a useless fact you can tell your friends. It is the first movie since Hunger Games to hold down the top spot for four straight weeks in a calendar year.
• I assume “calendar” means that some movie held the spot as the calendar turned over. I am wicked smart.
• I am kidding.
• Brittney Griner had FIVE blocks in the first quarter in the WNBA Finals.   You are now updated on women’s basketball.
• Nice to see Billy Horschel recover from his huge last hole blunder with a solid win at the BMW Championship. I would have been there watching, Billy, but this traveling is killing me.
• I just realized I have made two Jennifer Lawrence references. Leader along with Bon Jovi for the theme at this point.
• I am excited to sit on my couch this weekend and watch football and do NOTHING else for hours. I might even go out and purchase a bedpan.
• I like the Ciitadel’s style. “Were you targeting Seminoles knees?”  “Yup.”
• Poor Tony Romo. Just kidding.  Love laughing after 3 straight interceptions.  If the defense was close to the caliber of a normal NFL football team, maybe the 3 INT’s don’t hurt as much, ok?
• I won’t bore you with stats, but I get the feeling that a lot of those NFL comebacks really jacked up some point spreads this past weekend. I feel like it was a good week to go underdog plus the points.
• Virginia Tech I feel should have like two titles. Well, they just FEEL like they should.  Great win at Ohio State that shows there IS depth behind Florida State and Clemson.  Tech never wins anything, but they sure as hell piss some really good teams off.
• I wasn’t in Milwaukee that long, but I can tell you the city is NOT happy about that 9 game losing streak right before playoff time that the Brewers team had.
• I don’t like giving the MVP to a pitcher who pitches every five days. I don’t like giving the MVP to people like Stanton who won’t make the playoffs.  Therefore, I hereby give the trophy to…no one.  I mean do you realize the leading hitter in the NL as of yesterday afternoon was .315??  That is lame if you ask me.
• I didn’t realize Wisconsin had so many lakes.
• My favorite shirt that I saw being sold was “Drink Wisconsibly.
• I bet you Howard Stern’s eulogy at the funeral or Joan Rivers was pretty dope.
• In case you care, Alex Trebek has been on 6829 episodes of Jeopardy.
• Greg Monroe signed a one year deal with the Pistons, giving him one more buffer year to get paid like he thinks he should be in his head.   You will be paid because there is a lack of big men in the NBA.  Let’s face it.  You will get paid for lack of better options.   Oh.  (Sung like Van Halen) “Where have all the big men gone?”
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke3ua0kLhYA
• Josh Beckett ended his season due to injury the other day.  He is now mulling retirement.  I feel like with his stuff over the years, that he should have been …better.  Sorry, Josh.
• If Charles Barkley is right about Michael Jordan not liking him anymore as much because of his derogatory comments about his ownership decisions over the last few years, then I guess M.J. doesn’t like pretty much anyone. At all.  Maybe his wife.  Or maybe one random person out of the city of Charlotte.
• It was cool that the fire was there and that there were altercations at Bills practices early on. Now, it is just silly and irritating.  Stop fighting internally.
• I believe that if you call yourself a “sports bar” and it is during the middle of the day on a Saturday that you are obligated to have ONE television on some other game than the Wisconsin game. Little out of hand.  AND those people are so concerned with riding their ATV’s that they don’t even actively watch Wisconsin.
• So, I told everyone who would listen on Friday about my plan to wake up on Saturday and go rent an ATV in the so called ATV capital of the world. Solid plan.  Here is what happened.  Actual conversation.  ME: “Where is the best place to rent an ATV?”  OWNER MARY: “Multon, about 20 miles away.”  ME: “Really?  I would think that there would be a rental place in the capital of the world.”  OWNER MARY: “Well, honey, there is nowhere to rent them because everyone just OWNS one.”
• The streets in Lakewood Wisconsin support this claim.
• Mary is MUCH cooler than her husband, Russ. Maybe I should have told her that he may or may not be killing people late at night in Lakewood, Wisconsin.
• I had to tell everyone this same story when they asked me at the wedding how my day was…because I did tell pretty much everyone.
• Thanks to Rick, who came up to me at the wedding to offer HIS owned ATV for the next day. Sorry, Rick.  I didn’t stay up the latest on Saturday, but the first thing on my list on Sunday was definitely not riding an ATV.
• The watersports that were available were a rowboat, a canoe, and a paddleboat. No love on the jetski front.  Basically, the lodge is saying “We are on a freaking lake, so people will come.  Screw getting nice stuff.”  Noted, Waubee Lodge and crazy owner, Russ.
• I will tell you that the bartenders got some real quizzical looks from people when we ordered them at a hotel at regular price and 5 fireballs cost $15.
• Nicknames were also my trend on Friday night.   Sarah-Gangsta.  Brian-Stealth.  Amy-Wildfire.  Chris-Great.  Colby-Tindermeister.  Dustin-Fowler.  Linds-CP.  Josh-Pimp.  Me-The Historian.
• Anyone else start hearing songs on planes when it is clearly not playing? Any plane ride over two hours and I start hearing Information Society or something dumb like that.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRdMXsmGIno
• I once again showed my expertise in the crane game and winning Lindsey totally useless stuffed animals.
• I have now been to Culvers I am proud to say, which means it was a mistake getting fries and not knowing that a side of cheese curds was an option AND I now have eaten a butter burger. Culvers is like a McDonald’s Wisconsin style from what I understand…with curds and a butter burger.
• There was a liquor store in some Wisconsin town that not only was selling shots of alcohol at 2 for $1.20 but ALSO gave you a free bag of ice with any purchase of more than $10.00. That is stellar.  We almost said screw the wedding and just set up camp there.
• I see that former NFL RB Harold Green is making good use of his post career life. “Harold, “inappropriate touching of teenage girls” is no Bueno, especially when you freaking volunteered to be a coach there.  Sha freaking dy.
• Calvin Johnson is a beast. Let’s just end it there.  Dude might have that nickname, but it is pretty accurate how robot like good he is.
• Computers are not being used to determine our football contenders this year, but in case you care, and if they WERE turned on today, you would have Oregon at #1, Florida State at #2, Auburn at #3, and Oklahoma at #4. I am here to provide you this useless information.
• That is factual, people. Check me out on that.    I don’t give bad info.  I am freaking the Historian.
• Is it mandated that everyone throws an 80’s party if the Royals make the playoffs?
• The Steelers might have backed into a win against Cleveland Sunday, but a W is a W and Ben’s clutch play at the end gave me slightly above whatever the minimum amount of hope one can have.
• Just kidding. I have hope that they will be a game or two above .500 when it is all said and done.
• I love the Jeff Sagarin football ratings. They are comical sometimes.  Math whiz that pours all of these numbers in a pot and comes out with his own rankings that are special.  Yes, Jeff, I am sure that 0-1 UCF team at #22 is FOURTEEN spots better than South Carolina.
• And I am sure there are 19 teams better than Baylor in the country right now.
• Cincinnati football hasn’t played yet?  Who made THEIR schedule?  Were their bye weeks one AND two?
• If you are losing sleep over what the #1 “urban adult contemporary song in the nation is, I got you.   “I got you.”
• I didn’t mean that to be an anaphora. I THINK that is the word I am looking for.  Repeated term for effectiveness.
• I leave you also with the disturbing news that Keith Richards has written a children’s book. I want a copy.  Got to figure out all of his undercover drug references.  Like the old Dennis Leary skit goes.  “Keith Richards has told us that kids should not do drugs.  Keith Richards???  Keith, we CAN’T do any drugs, because you have already done them all.  We have to wait until YOU die and then smoke your ashes.”
• Brian, Sarah, and Amy, you were a fun crew to road trip with and hang with at the wedding. Brian, I think you are quiet and low key because you wait to rise to the occasion should something fun come along.  Very fun dude.    You don’t have ANY filter and the things that pop out of your mouth regularly are ridiculously funny.  Amy.  You are the best “wildfire” anyone could have.  Always up for whatever, willing to get in someone’s grill if necessary, I will always get your back, and VERY fun to drink with.
• I would say the oddest thing is that I love the water, have a water tattoo, yet oddly didn’t even go for ONE swim over the weekend. That is just weird.
• Well, that is it. Hope you enjoyed or are at least more informed.  Will I blog tomorrow?  That is a CLOWN question, bro.
• If you made it to the bottom of this, I am giving out chess pieces tonight.  Of course, you will have to read a bunch more for the entire set.  I think you should start with the rook, but you let me know.  Maybe a bishop?  All Hunger Games attire.  Limited edition.  I am taking calls on the sculptures already just so you know.